STRESS WEIGHT

I was in the bathroom, getting ready to get in the shower when I hopped on the scale. Looking down at the number I burst out laughing.

My husband, Steven was in the bedroom getting dressed when he heard me and came to the door and knocked. “You okay in there?”

I put on my robe and opened the door. I was still laughing as I wiped a tear from my cheek. “You know how it's always so stressful the first week or so of school?”

Steven looked confused. “Yeah...”

“Well this year has been more so than usual.” I was leaned against the door jam while Steven went to the closet to get his shoes. “I've been running around and forgetting to eat.” I went over to sit on the edge of the bed. “So this morning I was going to weigh myself, thinking at least I'd have lost some weight and it would be the silver lining of a crazy week.” I watched as Steven sat on the bench at the end of our bed so he could put his shoes on.

“Okay, so how much did you lose?”

“That's the part that was making me laugh so hard.” I started to chuckle again. “I didn't lose any. In fact I gained a pound!” I started laughing again. “So now on top of everything else I must be sleep eating because I'm telling you I wasn't eating much all week!”

“Oh that happened to me once.” Steven bent over to tie his shoes.

“Having a busy week, forgetting to eat and gaining weight?”

Steven turned around to look at me. “No, sleep eating. Remember the time I went to the dentist and they gave me all of that Novocaine and I couldn't eat dinner. But I got up in the middle of the night and ate all kinds of things?”

“Oh yeah.” It was starting to come back to me. “I remember I came down the next morning and the hummus container was out on the counter and there was an apple with a knife in it laying on the table.”

“Then when I came into the kitchen and you asked me why I'd left the hummus out and I said it wasn't me?”

“Yeah.” I started to laugh again. “Then I pointed to your tee shirt that had hummus on it!”

“I couldn't deny it then, but it sure scared me because I swear, to this day, I don't remember doing it.” Steven just shook his head.

“Well at least we realized it was the Novocaine!” I looked over at him. “What's my excuse?”

Steven looked at me his eyebrows going up, looking as if he was about to get trapped. “I think you're beautiful no matter what you weigh.” he said quickly.

“Good answer.” I said as I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. I couldn't help but laugh as I headed back to the bathroom.
He got up from the bench and grabbed my arm to pull me into a hug. “Have an easy day.” He gave me a quick kiss. “I'll meet you back at house around dinnertime.” He headed towards the bedroom door before he stopped at turned around. “By the way, what's for dinner?”

“I'm making meatloaf.”

“Sounds good.” He smiled as he headed out.

I closed the bathroom door and looked down at the scale with disgust. “I hate you.” I whispered.

FLUFFY PILLOWS

I was pulling more white fluff from the inside of a pillow and stacking it on the dining room table when my son Alex came into the room. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Haven't you noticed how dirty and flat my needlepoint pillows were getting?” I reached into the pillow and pulled out more.

Alex shook his head as he looked at the pile of fluff that was almost up to my shoulders on the table. “Nope, never noticed.”

“Well look at this.” I held up the now empty pillow with a needlepoint picture of a bee on it. “It's filthy!” I cried.

Alex leaned in to look closer. “I don't see any dirt.”

I turned it around to take a look for myself and couldn't see any either. “Okay, so maybe this one was just flat and needed new stuffing.” I reached over to another needlepoint pillow that had a white background. “This one's yucky!”

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “If you say so.” He picked up the pillow with the bee on it from the table. “It cracks me up that you have bees and honey jars all over the place just because Miele means honey in Italian.”

Now it was my turn to shrug my shoulders. “Hey, lucky for you it means that and not something disgusting!”

“You mean if it did we'd have a picture of something disgusting on a pillow?” Alex started to laugh.

“You never know.” I'd finished pulling the remainder of the stuffing from the last pillow and took them all over to the sink to start washing them.

Later that afternoon Alex was back in the kitchen and could see I was at the dining room table re-stuffing the pillows with new filling. “Wow! This has turned into an all day event.” He grabbed a snack and went into the living room and turned on the television.

“What can I say? I like clean, fluffy pillows.” I was jamming so much filling into each pillow they were looking bloated. “If I over-stuff them now I won't have to redo them for another year or two.” I explained.

“Whatever makes you happy.” Alex laid back on one of the couch pillows and began watching his show.

I'd finished stuffing the needlepoint pillows but still had some leftover stuffing. I was walking around the living room carrying the bag when I noticed the pillows on the couch. “Do they look flat to you?”

Alex looked over at me and adjusted the one under his head. “They seem fine to me.”

Not liking that answer I picked up one of the other pillows on the couch and unzipped the bottom. “Perfect! It's not a foam block, it's filled with stuffing too!” I reached into the bag and grabbed a big clump of stuffing and began jamming it into the pillow. When I was satisfied that it had enough filling I struggled to zip it up again then reached for the next pillow and did that one too. When that was in place I looked at Alex. “I need that pillow now.” I was pointing to the one under his head as I held a newly stuffed pillow for him to use.

Alex switched pillows but when he slipped the new one under his head it made his head tip forward. “I think you might have overstuffed this one.” he said with his chin almost touching his chest.

“Don't worry, it will flatten out after a while.” I was busy cramming more stuffing into the pillow when my husband Steven came into the room. He looked at Alex, “You don't look very comfortable.”

“I'm not.” Alex tried to adjust the pillow so his head would rest the right way.

I tossed the last finished pillow on the couch. “Don't they look fabulous!” I cried. “Nothing looks better then freshly fluffed pillows!” I looked at Alex and Steven.

“Wow!” Steven looked around at all the overstuffed pillows on all the furniture. “Who knew we'd been living with flat pillows all this time.”

“Not me.” Alex sighed as he was still trying to find a comfortable place to rest his head. “I think I liked them better flat.”

SKUNKED

It was close to dawn and the overwhelming stench of skunk woke me up from a sound sleep.

“Oh my God!” I cried, gulping for some air that wasn't putrid smelling.

My husband, Steven was already up and looking out the window. “I don't see him, but the smell is pretty bad.” He closed the window and turned the ceiling fan on. “I'm going to turn the air conditioning off before the smell gets stuck in the filters.”

I grabbed by bathrobe and followed him. “I'm trying not to breath through my nose, but when I breath through my mouth I swear I can almost taste it.” I couldn't help but gag as I held the sleeve of my bathrobe up against my face. “Oh, my God! Smell this!” I held my sleeve up to Steven. “It's on my robe too!”

Steven didn't take me up on my offer to smell my sleeve. Instead he was opening the windows and turning the ceiling fans on. “Can you turn the exhaust fan on over the stove?”

“Sure.” I headed toward the kitchen as our son Alex was coming out of his room. “You're up early.”

“Are you kidding me?” he had his sweatshirt sleeve over his nose. “Who can sleep with that smell!”

Alex followed me into the kitchen. “That's why we're opening windows and turning on the fans.” I explained as I flipped the switch on the exhaust hood then went to open the kitchen door. I'd just stepped out on the deck when I froze, stopping Alex from following me out. “Oh, my God!” I whispered. “It's worse out here!” I quietly backed into the house and closed the door.

“Do you think he's under our deck?” Alex asked.

“I sure hope not.” I went into the hall closet and pulled out the spray bottle of Febreze and started spraying my bathrobe. After a moment I smelled my sleeve again. “Great, now I smell like a skunk that's walked through...” I looked at the Febreze can. “meadows and rain!” I put the can back in the closet as Steven came out of our bedroom.

“The smell's a lot stronger out back.” I told him.

“Do you think it's living under our deck?” Alex asked him.

“I doubt it.” He was headed to the back door. “Our bedroom smells better already so I think he was walking through our yard when something spooked him.”

“Don't open the door!” I cried. “He might be walking under our deck! The last thing we need is for him to get scared again!” I couldn't help shaking my head. “I can't imagine what a direct hit would smell like if this is his I'm-walking-through-the-yard stink!”

Steven closed the door. “Okay. So we'll stay inside until we're sure he's moved on.”

The three of us just stood in the kitchen staring at each other.

“Well, there's no going back to bed now.” I sighed as I grabbed the teapot and went to the sink to fill it with water.

“I guess not.” Alex sighed.

Steven went to the refrigerator. “Anyone want some breakfast?” he pulled the carton of eggs out.

Alex and I just looked at him.

Steven looked confused. “What?” he put the eggs on the counter and went to get the frying pan.

I sighed. “How can you want to eat when the stench is still so strong?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I'm getting used to the smell.” he put the frying pan on top of the stove. “And I'm hungry.”

Alex sat down to the kitchen table still holding the sleeve of his sweatshirt against his nose. “You know, he's right. Just because it stinks doesn't mean we can't eat.”

Steven smiled as he began cracking eggs into the pan.

“You two enjoy your breakfast.” I smelled my bathrobe sleeve again. “But I'm going to throw this in the washer before I go take a shower and see if that helps.”

POOL PARTY

It was early Saturday morning and while I was having my morning tea on our deck I could see that our backyard neighbors were getting ready for a party. Tents were being set up, balloons were being tied to the deck, table and chairs were being put into place and someone was doing a last minute skim of the pool. They had a beautiful day for their event and I was happy for them.

Later that afternoon I went back out on my deck and could hear they'd hired a singer. He played an acoustic guitar and sang songs from the Doors, Eagles and Beatles, all of the music I liked to listen to.

I stuck my head back inside the house. “Hey, Alex!” I called to my son. “The back neighbors are having a party and they hired a really good singer! Do you want to come hang out on the porch and listen with me?”

Alex came out carrying a bottle of water. He stopped and listened for a moment. “He is pretty good.” He admitted as he sat down in the chair next to me and we quietly listened to, 'Come On Baby Light My Fire'.

At the end of the song, the guests began cheering. “I feel like I want to call up some friends and invite them over to have our own party right here!”

“Well, you'd certainly save money on the entertainment.”

I looked over and smiled. “Exactly what I was thinking!” It was at that moment a neighbor a few doors down, turned on his riding lawn mower and began revving the engine. I looked over at Alex. “Well, that's not good.”

“WHAT?” Alex called, making a point of letting me know how loud the mower was.

“They must hear that a party's going on.” The mower had drowned out our ability to hear the music.

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “It's Saturday afternoon. People are allowed to mow their lawn.”

“I know but it's a matter of neighbor etiquette.” I countered. “They can hear that a neighbor's having a party. If it were me I wouldn't mow my lawn today.”

Alex laughed. “You've never mowed the lawn.”

Now I had to laugh. “That's true, but it's not my point!”

“Well, maybe the person on the lawnmower isn't a fan of that kind of music.” Alex took a sip of water.

“Still not being a good neighbor.” I sighed.

“You're just mad that you can't sit out here and hear free party music.” Alex laughed.

The neighbor's lawnmower stopped for a moment and the people at the party began cheering. “See, they know he was being rude and they're thanking him for stopping.”

Alex looked over at me, a confused look on his face. “How do you know they're cheering for that? Maybe their musician just finished a song and they're cheering that.”

“Because that's a part of neighbor manners. When someone stops their annoying behavior you show your appreciation!”

Alex started laughing. “That's not a thing!” he cried.

I shrugged my shoulder. “Well I think it should be.”

That's when the neighbor's mower started again. I looked over at Alex and rolled my eyes as I got up to go inside. “It was nice while it lasted.” I sighed.

“Look on the bright side.” Alex said as he got up with me. “At least you didn't call anyone to come over and eavesdrop on their party with you.”

SCARED SNAKELESS

My phone dinged and up popped a photo sent from my husband Steven of a snake slithering through the grass.

I shook my head and did a double take before texting back. “Where was this taken?”

A few seconds later another ding. “Our back yard!”

I don't know why I instinctively pulled my feet up on the couch but I did, frozen for a few seconds wondering what to do next. I live in an area that isn't really known for snakes. This is something that I periodically thank God for. I love nature, but snakes fall into a different category for me.

I copied the picture to a Facebook group called Nature Addicts and asked if anyone could identify what kind of snake it was. Moments later, 'Checkered garter snake' was the answer with links to find out more. Scrolling through the links I realized this type of snake wasn't from around here.

I got up from the couch and went to the dining room window where I could see Steven and my son Alex standing outside. I opened the window. “Where is it now?” I called.

Steven pointed to the garbage cans. “He slithered over there.”

“Well, he's a Checkered garter snake. He's not one of our local snakes, he's from the Southwest and Mexico.”

Steven just nodded as he looked back over at the garbage pails. “So, what you are trying to tell me is that he's up here for summer vacation?”

Alex started to laugh.

“No, Capt. Funny-pants, I'm saying it must be someone's pet.”

Steven shrugged his shoulders and looked over at Alex. “Well, you better catch him before we make up the Missing Pet posters.”

Alex started to laugh again. “I'm not catching him! He's two and a half feet long!”

I looked back at the link on my phone. “It says when you pick him up his defense is pooping a foul-smelling liquid.” I was playing a YouTube video. “Oh wow! This guy's holding a snake and actually gagging from the smell.”

“Sounds like a fun pet.” Alex couldn't help but shudder.

“Well, what are we going to do?” I was leaning on the windowsill still not wanting to go outside. “He's never going to leave. We're like a resort for snakes with the woods in our backyard and all the crickets and little toads he could possibly want to eat.”

“That sounds about right.” Alex nodded in agreement.

“Oh, come on!” Steven sighed. “I'm sure he's just slithering through. He's probably three houses away by now.”

“Can you move the garbage cans and check?” I asked.

Steven looked over at Alex. “Why don't we wait until after dinner. Maybe give him a chance to move on.”

Alex nodded in agreement. “That sounds like a good idea.”

They both came back into the house.

As Alex walked into the kitchen I was holding out a bag of garbage from the kitchen pail. “You do realize tonight's garbage night, right?” I couldn't help but smile.

KUDZU AND KINDNESS

My sister just moved to North Carolina and I'd come home from visiting her new house.

As I rolled my suitcase into the front door my husband Steven was there to greet me.

“So how was your trip?” he asked as he took my suitcase from me and brought it into the living room.

“Really nice!” I flopped down on the couch, putting my feet up on the coffee table. “I'm a little tired.” I looked over at him and smiled. “Remind me next time NOT to take the 6 AM flight out. I'm not a big fan of getting up at 3:30 in the morning.” I tried to hold back a yawn.

“Well, other then being tired, how was the rest of your trip?” Steven asked as he went into the kitchen and brought me back a bottle of water.

“Liz's house is beautiful. She's still putting on finishing touches, but she's loving it there!”

I took a sip of water. “When we were driving into her development I couldn't believe the amount of kudzu. It was like a blanket of green covering everything in it's path.”

“Oh, yeah. I remember that when we were down there visiting my sister, a few years ago.” Steven handed me a pillow.

I tucked it behind my head. “I know it's an invasive weed but it really is kind of fascinating watching how it just climbs over everything.”

Steven just laughed. “Only you'd find a weed fascinating.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I really do like it but I think I might have annoyed Liz because whenever we went out I became the kudzu spotter. Liz could be in the middle of a sentence and I'd be shouting KUDZU!”

“That does sound a little annoying.” Steven agreed.

“Well, the other thing I noticed was how kind and sweet everyone was.” I took another sip of water. “Wherever we went grocery store, garden center, or a restaurant everyone wanted to know how our day was.” I looked over at Steven. “They actually wanted to know how our day was going Steven! How often do you hear that around here?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “Every once in a while someone asks.”

“Not very often! Down there they ask all the time!”

Steven nodded in agreement.

“There was a woman at the counter of a convenience store that had a really pretty jacket on.” I moved the pillow so I could lay down on the couch. “Liz and I ended up walking out the door with her.” I reached over the back of the couch and grabbed the afghan that was folded there and pulled it over me. “ I told her how much I liked her jacket and do you know what she said?” I stifled another yawn.

“No, what?”

“She gave me a great big smile and told me about the trip she'd taken where she'd gotten the jacket.” I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. “I felt like I'd just made a new friend in the two minute walk to our car.” I couldn't help but smile. “That's what I took away from my trip to North Carolina.” I yawned. “Kudzu and kindness.”

Steven came over and adjusted the blanket over me. “That's nice.”

“It was nice.” I sighed closing my eyes.

“Maybe you could tell me about the rest of your trip after you wake up.” He suggested as he kissed the top of my head.

“Ah, bless your heart.” I said in my own unique Southern drawl before closing my eyes again.

ROGUE RECYCLERS

My son Alex and I were driving into our neighborhood when I noticed all the blue garbage cans lining the curb. “We have to remember to put the recycling out tonight.” I looked over at Alex. “Ours are overflowing!”

We drove past a middle-aged woman walking down her driveway clutching a small blue container to her chest. “Oh, come on!” I looked over at Alex again. “She can't be serious!”

“What are you talking about?” Alex looked over his shoulder while I watched in my side mirror as she gently set the small box down at the curb.

“She's pretending to recycle!” I cried. “The recycling truck comes around every two weeks! There's no way she has that little to bring out!”

Alex just shook his head. “Maybe she lives all alone and doesn't have much to bring out.”

I shook my head. “She doesn't live alone. There's two cars in the driveway. There's at least one other person living there.” I looked over at Alex as he looked back at me with a surprised look on his face. I shrugged my shoulder. “What can I say? I notice things, okay?”

“Well, at least she's putting out something, so she's trying.” Alex reasoned.

“Ugh! She's not trying! She's pretending!” I pointed to another small container we were passing, “So is this one!” I leaned over to peek inside. “Come on, one half gallon of milk, two water bottles, a few newspapers and one detergent container.” I looked over at Alex. “It's like they're staging for a play!”

“Could we keep going?” Alex asked as he nervously looked at the house we stopped in front of. “I really don't want them seeing us going over their recycling.”

“Oh!” I stepped on the gas. “Sorry about that.” I began driving down the road again. “But I just get so annoyed that I spend so much time rinsing out containers. Disgusting containers I might add.” I looked over at Alex. “Do you know how gross it is finding a container of sour cream in the back of the fridge that was a month old? Do you know how badly I just want to throw it in the trash?” I shook my head. “But no...I scrape that moldy yucky stuff out then rinse it until it's spotless before I toss it in the recycling bin.”

We were pulling into our driveway as Alex patted me on the shoulder before opening his door. “Well you should feel good knowing you're doing the right thing.”

We both walked around to the back of the house and I pulled out the first blue container from where we keep our garbage. I tipped it on its wheels and pulled it out of the way so Alex could grab the other recycling pail. “I can't believe how heavy this one is.” I complained as I lifted the lid and peeked inside.

“Maybe it's all the wine bottles that's making it so heavy.” Alex laughed.

“Hey! We had company the other day!” I cried. “Don't judge!”

“Not judging.” Alex said as we walked the cans to the street. “But the recycling guys might.”

I pushed my can against the curb. “Maybe I should leave a note on top of the can that says all of the wine bottles are because we had company.”

Alex laughed as we walked back up the driveway. “I'm sure they'd love a note like that to hang in they're break room!”