HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE OLD

“Well, this stinks.” I said as I began to read the letter my husband Steven had just handed me.

“What?” Steven was going through the rest of the mail.

I held up the letter from AARP. “Nothing says you're old like a letter from the American Association of Retired Persons telling you you can now be a card carrying member!” I pulled the card off the paper. “Look they're even giving me a discount as a birthday gift!” I sighed as I tossed the letter on the table. “What a crummy birthday gift.” I sighed then picked up the letter again and read it out-loud. “Dear Kathryn, Enjoy your birthday.” I tossed the letter back on the table. “Enjoy your birthday.” I grumbled. “How am I suppose to do that when they're telling me I'm old?”

“Your birthday's not for weeks.” Steven reminded me. “Just throw the letter away.”

“I will.” I sighed. “But the damage is done.”

Steven laughed as he tossed the rest of the mail on the table on top of mine. “I've been getting that advertisement for years! I can't believe that's the first one you've gotten.”

I stopped and stared at him. I'm sure the look on my face showed I wasn't thrilled with what he'd just said.

Steven smiled. “Come on! You're not old.”

I laughed. “You're just saying that.”

“Yup.”

“Hey!”

“Look, we're both getting old, there's nothing we can do about it.”

I sighed again. “I know. But I miss the days when I'd be asked to show my license so I could get a glass of wine.” I looked over at Steven sadly shaking my head. “It's been a long time since someone's asked to see my license.”

Steven went into the kitchen to get a bottle of water. I followed him, as he reached into the cabinet he got a bottle and held it up. “You want one?”

“Sure.” I leaned against the counter as he tossed the bottle to me and I caught it with one hand.

“See.” Steven said as he twisted the cap off his. “You still have your hand and eye coordination.”

“Very funny.” I took a sip of water and sighed again.

“Well, if you became a card carrying AARP member you could feel that way again.” Steven laughed.

Now I was confused. “How do you figure that?”

“When you go to Dunkin' Donuts and want to get a free doughnut you can pull out that card to prove you're an eligible senior citizen!”

“But I'm not a senior citizen yet!!! I'm a long way off!”

Steven shrugged his shoulder. “That's not what that card said.”

I took another sip. “Crummiest birthday gift ever.”

“It wasn't a birthday gift! It was an advertisement!”

“It was a special birthday rate.” I took the card out of my pocket. “See it has birthday balloons on it and everything!”

Steven took the card from me. “Hey, you can get a free insulated trunk organizer!” He looked over at me and smiled. “See, now that's a nice gift for old people.”

I threw my water bottle cap at him.

He quickly put his water bottle down and caught the cap in his hand. “See!” he held up the cap. “We're not that old yet!”

SPEED LIMIT

We were sitting on the patio of our favorite Mexican restaurant eating a late lunch. I looked over at my son Alex. “This was a great idea!” I said as I took a bite of my Pollo Especial that we were sharing.

My husband Steven nodded in agreement as he took a bite of his Caesar salad.

There was a cool breeze and I was enjoying the sound of the water splashing from a nearby fountain. “I don't know why we don't come out here more often?”

Alex took a sip of his water. “I know, it's only twenty minutes away.”

A half hour later we were back in the car. “We should do that again.” I said as I was traveling down Route 33, a four lane road, headed back home.

“I'm in!” Alex called from the back seat.

I was in the slow lane but keeping up with the traffic which means I was going about 10 miles over the speed limit. An SUV was trying to pass me on the left but we were pretty much staying together when we passed a police car tucked back off the road.

“Oh, man!” I cried as I looked down at my speedometer to confirm I was speeding. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I tap my breaks, proving I was going too fast or keep going, pretending I wasn't doing anything wrong. I chose the latter.

Steven tried to reassure me. “You're fine. Everyone is going the same speed.” he patted me on the leg.

I nervously looked in my rear view mirror and saw the police car pull into traffic. “Oh, great!” I sighed. “He's coming!”

Steven shook his head. “Stop worrying. Maybe his shift is done.”

I kept checking the mirror. Then I saw the sign that my exit was coming up in two miles. “Now what do I do?” I asked as I pointed to the sign. “If I take the exit it looks like I'm trying to get away!”

Alex laughed from the back seat. “Or it looks like you're taking your exit.”

I took a deep breath, feeling my anxiety beginning to rise.

Steven patted me on the leg again. “What's the worst that could happen? You get a ticket?”

I looked over at Steven. “Yes!” I cried. “I get a ticket, our insurance rates go up and you call me Speed Racer for the next five years never letting me live it down that I was speeding!”

Steven laughed. “True.”

I looked in the rear view mirror again. “Oh my gosh! He's turned his lights on!” I instinctively eased my foot off the gas, dropping back and letting the left hand traffic pass me. My hands were beginning to get sweaty as I tried to accept my fate.

That's when the police car passed me and got behind the SUV that had been next to me a moment ago. “Oh my gosh!” I said as we watched the SUV pull over to the side of the road, the police car pulling up right behind them. “We were going the same speed!” I cried.

Alex laughed. “See. He wasn't after you.”

As we passed the pulled over car I couldn't help but feel sorry for them. “That could have been us.” I said as I put my blinker on and took our exit.

“But it wasn't.” Alex said.

I wiped my sweaty hands, one at a time, on my pants. I could still feel my heart racing.

As we continued down the road Alex leaned forward. “You know you're going 35 when the speed limit is 45 here.” He pointed to the speed limit sign we were passing.

“I know.” I said as I continued at the slower speed. “I'm not taking any more chances today.”

TREASURE HUNTING

It was a Friday evening and my son Alex and I were walking around our neighborhood when we noticed a lot of families setting up tables in their driveways.

“Must be the town wide yard sale this weekend.” I said as we passed a woman wheeling out a rolling rack of clothes. I began shaking my head. “I've only had one yard sale and I hated it!”

“Why?”

“Well, we were downsizing, and your Dad wanted to clean out the garage and shed to get rid of all the extra contracting materials he'd been storing.” We passed a house that was lining up a row of bikes on their front lawn. “I thought it would be a good idea to start cleaning out the house and get rid of the stuff I wasn't planning on taking when we moved.” We saw a woman with her dog on a leash walking towards us. We stepped into the street until they passed then got back on the sidewalk. “I couldn't believe how much work it was dragging everything out on our porch, trying to decide what to charge and grouping them in some sort of order! It was exhausting.” I shook my head at the memory. “Then the day of the sale came and the creepy part started.”

“What creepy part?”

“When I came down early the next morning there were some dollar bills laying on the porch!”

Alex stopped walking. “What?”

“Yup! Someone was on our porch and decided to start shopping early!”

“What did they take?” We'd begun walking again.

“I have no idea! There was so much stuff I couldn't figure out what they took. They really creepy part was I hadn't put prices on anything yet so whatever they took they decided on what they'd pay for it.”

We were passing another family setting up. I scanned what they were putting out on the tables. Then shook my head. “Nope I'm not even going to look. Once you downsize your treasure hunting days are done.”

“I remember I sold a lot of my old video games.” he said.

“Oh, yeah!” I looked over at him. “Do you remember how much you made on them?”

“No, but I regret selling them.” Alex sighed. “Some of them are classics now.”

“I'm sorry.” I said sadly as I patted him on the shoulder.

“Do you regret selling anything?” he asked. We were at the end of our street, headed home.

I thought about it for a moment. “Maybe a few things, but when your downsizing you have to make some tough choices.”

We were just passing our neighbors house, who were also getting ready for the sale. I could see they had a table with some crystal pieces on it. “Oh, I'll have to come check that out tomorrow.” I said as I turned into our driveway.

“I thought your treasure hunting days were over?” Alex pulled the house keys out of his pocket.

I shrugged my shoulders as he opened the door and I walked in. “I guess I was lying to myself.”

MANIC MOCKINGBIRD

I knocked on my son Alex's bedroom door. “Can I come in?” I called.

“Sure!”

I walked into his sitting room and saw that he had a clear plastic bag of rubber snakes on his couch. I picked it up but held it away from me, because even though they're rubber they're still snakes. “What are these for?”

Alex came out of his bedroom. “Dad and I ordered them the other night.”

“Why?” I peeked inside and noticed there were several different types of snakes before I dropped them back onto his couch.

“It's for the mockingbird.” Alex picked up the bag and tossed them further down the couch before he sat down.

“You mean the mockingbird that we were having so much fun listening to the other day?”

We'd been on the back porch while the mockingbird perched himself by the feeder and went through his repertoire. “He did a really good seagull.” I smiled as I thought about it.

“Yeah, and his blue jay was so perfect the real blue jays were chasing him all over the place!”

I had to laugh. “I know, it was pretty funny.” I stopped laughing, looked at the bag of snakes and felt confused. “You were liking the mockingbird when we were on the deck.” I shrugged my shoulders. “What happened?”

“Yeah, it was all fun and games until he decided to park himself in the holly tree outside my bedroom window the other night and do his entire repertoire again at three in the morning!” Alex sighed. “Oh, and this time he really liked his car alarm song!”

I had to laugh. “I'm sorry, but when we looked them up online it did say they'll imitate any noises in the area.” I actually thought it was pretty interesting that mockingbirds can learn close to two hundred sounds. From other song birds to squeaky gates, car alarms and even babies crying. “So what are the snakes for?”

“To hang in the holly tree and scare him away.” Alex pulled one out of the bag and tossed it to me.

“Don't do that!” I jumped out of the way and let it drop to the floor. “I've got bird feeders and bird houses all over the place and you want to hang snakes in the trees!”

“Just the holly tree by my bedroom window. Dad and I looked it up and it says smaller birds are afraid of snakes.” He picked the snake up off the floor and put it back in the bag.

“But that means you'll be scaring all the birds away!”

“The holly tree's in the front of the house.” Alex reasoned. “Your feeders and bird houses are in the back.”

“I still don't want you hanging snakes in the trees.”

Just then my husband Steven walked by. “Are you talking about the snakes I just bought?”

“Yeah,” I looked over at Steven. “I really don't want snakes draped over my holly bush limbs.”

“Hey, if it keeps the mockingbird from singing at three in the morning I say we hang snakes in the trees!”

“I'm with Dad!” Alex called.

“Oh, come on you two.” I looked over at Alex. “How many times has he woken you up in the middle of the night?”

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “Just that one time.” he admitted.

“Are you two serious?” I looked at Steven then back at Alex. “He keeps you up for one night and you're ready to put snakes in the trees!”

“I never said anything about putting them up yet.” Alex said as he picked up the bag and began walking back into his bedroom while I followed him. “I just want to be prepared if he does it again.” Alex placed the bag next to his bed. “This way I can just open my window and toss a few right in the tree.”

I looked over at Steven and sighed.

“What?” Steven looked over at Alex, who shrugged his shoulders, then looked back at me. “It's the perfect solution!”

“You two better promise me that I'm never going to find one of them hiding anywhere in the house.”

Alex and Steven just smiled.