BYE BYE BIRDIE

“Are you sure you haven't seen any hummingbirds lately?” I was asking my son Alex as we stood on the back deck. Alex had just finished filling the bird feeders and was still holding the bag of seed.

“I'm positive.” he sighed. “You've asked me that question every day for the past week.”

“I know.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I just don't want to take their feeders away too soon.” I looked at the woods at the back of our house. The leaves were beginning to change color with little peeks of orange appearing on some of the trees. “What if there's a straggler?” I looked at Alex before sweeping my hand in the direction of our yard. “Most of the flowers they like are gone, so they'd really need the feeder before heading South.”

Alex shook his head. “Weren't you the one telling me that the size of their brain, compared to their body size, is huge.”

“It really is!” I smiled and nodded my head. “They're really smart!”

“So if one is still hanging around, this late in the season, wouldn't that make him stupid?”

I shrugged my shoulders again. “You've got a point.” I sighed as I walked over to my red glass feeders and took them down from their posts. “I hate bringing them in.” I said as I walked to the door, the two glass feeders clicking together as I held them in one hand so I could open the door. “It's just another event that makes me feel like summer's over.”

Alex kicked away a few dead leaves before they blew into the house. “I'm pretty sure summer was over before you brought in the feeders.”

I went over to the sink and began washing them. “Did you know that hummingbirds are so smart that they can recognize the people that feed them?”

“Nope. Did not know that.” he said as put the bird seed away in the cabinet.

“Remember in the beginning of the summer when you and I were on the deck and that hummingbird flew a few feet in front of my face?”

“Oh yeah.” Alex leaned against the counter. “That was so weird.”

“Now it makes all the sense in the world.” I looked over at Alex. “He was trying to remember the face that would be feeding him.”

Alex started to laugh. “I was sitting right there, too! How’s he know you'd be the one feeding him and not me?”

Now it was my turn to laugh. “Oh come on! I told you hummingbirds were smart!” I turned off the water and placed the feeders on a paper towel to dry. “Wait a minute.” I leaned against the counter. “The day he decided to memorize me my hair was a mess, I was wearing my glasses, and I didn't have on any makeup!”

Alex looked confused. “So?”

I threw my hands up in the air, clearly annoyed. “So, now he's back South telling all his hummingbird friends that some frumpy old lady feeds him when he heads North!” I looked back at Alex. “Why couldn't he have studied me on a day I looked better?”

Alex just shook his head as he silently walked away.

LAUNDRY CRICKET

I was on my hands and knees on top of my dryer when my husband Steven walked by the laundry room.

He stopped in the doorway. “What are you doing?”

I was trying to peek behind the dryer. “You can't hear that?” I had to duck under the shelf trying to see past the dryer vent.

Steven listened for a moment. “You mean the cricket?”

“Yes!” I crawled over to the washer. “It's driving me nuts!” I peeked behind the washer. “Nothing!” I sat back on my heels listening for his call. “It's like trying to find out which smoke alarm is chirping 'low battery'.

The cricket called again. I scanned the room. “Now it sounds like it's behind the folding table!” I climbed off the washer and headed for the table. Getting on my hands and knees I pushed the laundry baskets out of the way. “Nothing!” I cried as I sat back on my heels waiting for the next call.

“So what do you plan to do if you find him?”

“I'll scoop him up and put him outside.”

“Don't you think he'll just find his was in again?” Steven was leaned against the door jam.

I shook my head and sighed. “You're probably right. This is a pretty smart one finding his way to the laundry room.” I looked up at Steven. “You know they eat material?”

Steven looked around the room at the baskets of laundry needing to be done. “Well he certainly came to the right place.”

I looked around the room. “Hey! It's been a crazy, busy week!”

Steven shook his head. “I'm not judging. I know how busy you've been.” He looked around again. “I'm just saying he's a smart one.”

The cricket chirped again. My head shot up and I scanned the room. “Where did it sound like it was coming from this time?”

Steven looked around the room. “I swear I think it was coming from that basket.” he was pointing to a basket of already sorted jeans and dark colored clothes.

“Oh, no ones going to be eating my clothes today!” I grabbed the basket and began loading the clothes into the washer. I made sure to carefully shake each item of clothing before placing it in the washer in case the cricket was clinging to it. Once the basket was empty and the washer was full I turned it on. “Well, it wasn't in there.” I dropped the laundry detergent in and closed the lid.

Leaning back against the machine I scanned the room again. “Where could he be?”

We heard the chirp again. I froze. “Did you hear where it came from?”

Steven pointed to the dryer. “Maybe he's in there?”
I was confused. “You really think he got in the dryer?” I opened the dryer door where a load of towels were waiting to be folded.

“Maybe you should take the towels out just to make sure he's not in there.”

I stopped and turned around. “Wait a minute.” I began to shake my head. “You didn't think he was in the laundry basket! You just wanted me to start a load of wash!”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “I'm all out of jeans.”

The cricket chirped again.

He shrugged his shoulders again. “I'm still going to say the dryer because I'm pretty sure were out of towels, too.”

ORDAINED

I was scrolling through my e-mail when one quickly caught my eye. I clicked on it and had to laugh. “Reverend Kathryn!” I cried. “I completely forgot about that!”

My son Alex, who was sitting across the room, looked up. “You're a Reverend?”

“No, but I almost was.” I opened the e-mail and began reading it to him. “Greetings Kathryn and Happy Anniversary! It's been nine months since you've become a minister.” I looked over at Alex. “I filled out the entire application but never gave them my credit card number.”

Alex looked confused. “What made you do that?”

I looked back at the e-mail. “Well, nine months ago I was watching a television program where someone's friend was officiating their wedding. I got curious about how you became one so I Googled 'How to become an ordained minister.'” I shrugged my shoulders. “Turns out it's not that hard.” I went back to the e-mail. “You pretty much fill out a form and for the low price of $39.99 you can get the classic wedding kit.”

Alex shook his head. “Which does what?”

I looked back at the site on my phone. “It says it's a great package to help me plan and officiate memorable and legal wedding!” I looked back at Alex. “Pretty great, huh!”

My husband Steven came into the room. “What's pretty great?” as he picked up the days mail I'd left on the coffee table and began sorting though it.

Alex was still shaking his head. “Did you know Mom wanted to become a minister?”

Steven stopped sorting and looked over at me.

“Wait,” I held my phone up. “I never said I wanted to become a minister. I just said I Googled it and filled out the form.” I looked over at Steven. “I just never gave them my credit card number.”

Steven looked confused as he put the stack of mail back down. “A minister?”

I shrugged my shoulder again. “I kind of thought it would be fun to add to my resume!” I smiled at the both of them. “'Works with children pre-K through 8^th grade and can also preform weddings!'” I moved the phone closer for Steven to see. “Reverend Kathryn! You've got to admit that's a pretty great title!”

“I guess.” Steven shook his head. “So why didn't you finish and give them your credit card?”

I sighed. “Because once I thought about it I realized I didn't want to be responsible for legally marrying two people.” I looked at Steven then at Alex. “What if they divorced? I'd feel completely responsible.”

“Seriously?” Alex looked over at Steven.

Steven looked back at me with a skeptical look. “There's more to it than that. Isn't there?”

“Well,” I couldn't lie. “As much as I'd love the title, I'm pretty sure we all know what would happen if I had to do any public speaking.”

Alex started to laugh. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that.”

“Who wants to be married by someone who would be visibly shaking if they had to stand up in front of a crowd?” I shook my head at the thought.

“That's not even including the talking part.” Steven laughed.

WINDSHIELD BUDDY

Jogging up the front porch steps, I came into the house and went directly to the kitchen. Opening the cabinet under the sink I grabbed a bottle of window cleaner and pulled the paper towels off it's stand. It was as I was headed back out the front door when I noticed my husband Steven watching me.

“The car's still running.” I explained to him as I dashed out the door again.

Steven decided to follow me. “Didn't you just leave to go to the grocery store?” he asked.

“I never made it there.” I called over my shoulder. “I've run out of windshield washer fluid, so I had to come back home to clean this mess off the windshield!”

“What happened?” Steven asked as he came down the porch steps.

I leaned over the hood of the car, spraying the cleaner on a disgusting smear that took up half my driver's side of the windshield.

“What was that?” he asked, picking up the paper towel roll I'd dropped in the driveway and handed me a sheet.

“A beetle.” I said as I scrubbed harder with the paper towel, only to create a bigger mess than I'd started with. “This is so disgusting!” I cried.

“How'd it happen?”

“It all started out innocently enough.” I said as I sprayed more cleaner. “I was pulling out of our driveway when I noticed some kind of beetle walking across my windshield.” I looked over at Steven as he handed me more paper towel. “Isn't it amazing how these tiny little creatures can hang on so tightly with all that wind blowing over them?”

“Sure.” Steven shrugged his shoulders. “I guess. But how did it get all over the windshield?”

“I didn't want him to get hurt so I stopped the car hoping he'd fly away.” By now the cleaner was finally beginning to do its job. “But he wouldn't fly away! So I started driving again.”

“And?”

“Well, I found myself watching him.” I complained. “I was so busy watching him that I wasn't watching the road.” I dropped the dirty paper towels on the ground and took a clean sheet from Steven. “I was afraid he was going to get me in an accident, so I thought I'd try and help him move a little bit faster.” I admitted.

“You turned on the windshield wipers to get him to move faster?” Steven started to laugh.

“He was already so close to the edge I figured he'd see them coming and fly away.” I reasoned.

Steven stared at me for a moment before he handed me the roll of paper towels and walked back to the house.

“Hey!” I called after him,“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”