BUFFET BLUNDER

It was getting late and I'd just finished a three hour seminar for work when I finally walked in my front door.

“Hey, how was the seminar?” my husband Steven called from the living room.

“Pretty good.” I answered as I hung my coat up in the closet and went into the living room. Steven patted the cushion next to him on the couch and I sat down. “I just wished they hadn't stopped for a dinner break.” I sighed as I put my feet up on the coffee table and looked over at him. “I could have been home a half hour sooner.”

Steven looked confused. “They served dinner?”

I grabbed a pillow to put behind my head. “Yeah, they had a buffet. Sandwiches, wraps, potato salad, a whole bunch of stuff.”

Steven put the television on mute. “Did you know they were going to serve dinner?”

“Yeah.” Now it was my turn to look confused. “It was on the invitation.”

“But you ate before you went.”

“I know.” Now I was really confused. “I was the one who cooked our dinner before I left.”

“So you ate twice?”

“No, of course not.” I began shaking my head. “I just told you I ate dinner with you. Why is this so important to you?”

“Because it's rude not to eat something when someone goes to all the trouble of getting food for you.” Steven just shook his head looking disappointed.

“But I'd already eaten!” I cried. “I wasn't hungry!”

“You shouldn't have eaten dinner with us.”

“But that's when I was hungry!” I was starting to get annoyed.

Steven just shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, don't get upset with me. I'm just letting you know it was rude. You could have at least put something on a plate and pretended.”

I leaned my head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling. “Great.” I sighed. “Now I'm trying to remember if anyone saw me not eating.”

“Well, what were you doing while everyone else was getting their food?”

I thought about that for a moment. “I don't know.” I sighed. “I didn't know I was being rude so I wasn't really paying attention.” I thought some more. “I think I was returning emails and texts.”

“So you were on your phone while everyone else was eating and socializing?” Steven shook his head again.

“Oh come on! No one was socializing! Everyone else was on their phone too! They were just eating at the same time!” I sighed as I looked over at him. “Great. Now my boss thinks I'm rude.”

Steven shook his head. “Do worry about it now. But just remember next time even if you've already eaten, eat again.” Steven shrugged his shoulders. “At least, that's what I would have done.”

I had to laugh. “Oh sure. Easy for you to say! You're always hungry!”

Steven smiled as he turned the sound back on the television. “Hey.” He shrugged his shoulders again and patted his stomach. “I'm never rude when it comes to food!”

BEAUTY MASK

My husband Steven was walking past the bathroom just as I was applying my new facial mask. He stopped and leaned against the doorway. “Oh geez, what's this one do?”

“It's a bamboo, charcoal infused sheet mask that once it's activated will give me an oxygenating and tingling 3D bubble experience!” I was smoothing the mask against my skin making sure it was laying flat.

Steven started to laugh. “How do you activate it and what's the 3D suppose to mean?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “You activate it by wetting your face first and I'm not sure what the 3D part is all about.” I turned around and leaned against the sink. “But it's suppose to happen within the first few seconds.” I could feel the mask tingling on my face.

“It's turning all soapy looking.” Steven said as he pointed to my face.

I turned around and looked in the mirror. “See! It's working!” I picked up the package that it came in and turned it over to read it to him. “It says that in only three minutes I'll be invigorating and detoxifying all while I'm removing my make-up!” I looked in the mirror and held up the package for him to see. “It not only says it in English but the directions are in French too!” I smiled at him and put the package back on the sink before turning around again. “For some reason I like that it's in French.” I shrugged my shoulders. “It makes me happy.”

By now the bubbles had completely covered the mask and were beginning to drip onto my bathrobe. “Ooh, this one's a little messy.” I scooped the bubbles off my robe and turned on the faucet to rinse off my hand. I took another peek in the mirror. “Well, it's certainly working!”

“Yeah, you're covered in soap all right.”

I could see in the mirror that Steven was shaking his head behind me. “Just one more minute and I'll be all done!” Which by now I was happy about because the bubbles were beginning to drip into my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut so no more bubbles could drip in. “Yup, almost there!” I said as I took a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” Steven asked sounding concerned.

“Just a little burning in the eyes, that's all.” I tried to sound dismissive but my eyes were really starting to hurt. “Okay, I think the time is up!” I pulled the mask off, wiping the bubbles away from my eyes before taking a peek in the mirror. “Wow! That's a lot of bubbles.” I turned the faucet on and began rinsing my face.

Steven reached around me and picked up the mask package from the sink. “It looks like maybe you just soaped up your face too much.” He began reading the package. “Did you even look to see what the ingredients were?”

“Of course I did!” I took a towel and began patting my face dry. “It's got green tea and...” I shook my head. “I don't know. A whole bunch of other stuff.” I hung the towel up and looked over at him. “Did I mention it's also in French?”

Steven laughed. “You did.” He shook his head again before tossing the package back on the sink. “If you're happy, then I'm happy.”

“I am happy.” I touched my cheek. “It feels so clean and smooth.”

“Well it should with the amount of soap you had on it!” Steven leaned over to give a quick kiss on my cheek. “You're right it is smooth. But your eyes are all red now.”

I smiled as I picked up the package and tossed it in the trash. “What can I say? Sometimes beauty hurts.”

OVER OR UNDER

I was bringing in a few extra rolls of toilet paper to restock our bathroom when I stopped in our bedroom where my husband Steven was getting ready for work. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Steven looked up from tying his shoe. “Sure.”

“When you put a new roll of toilet paper in the holder do you have the paper going over the roll or under?”

Steven sighed. “Are you still mad that I forgot to replace the roll last week?”

“What?” I shook my head. “No, this is a real question.”

“Over.” he said reaching down to tie the other shoe. “Everyone places it over.”

“I though so too.” I went into the bathroom and tossed the extra rolls under the sink before coming back out and sitting on the edge of the bed. “But I was talking to a friend of mine and she says she always has the paper going under.”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “Well, it that's how their family likes it, who are we to argue.” He got up to close the closet door.

“That's just the thing.” I reached over and grabbed the hand cream from my bedside table. “She says she and her husband have disagreed for years about how it should go on.” I opened the tube and squeezed some into my hand. “Can you image disagreeing about something like that for our whole marriage?”

Steven laughed. “You're right. It's great that we've never had to argue about that.”

“See! We're toilet paper compatible!” I'd finished working the cream into my hands. “It never crossed my mind that we'd argue over something like that.”

“That's because we're too busy arguing about who doesn't close the condiment lids all the way.” Steven stared at me.

“What?” I shook my head. “I've told you I'm not sure who's doing it.”

Steven walked out of the bedroom and I followed him down the hall to the kitchen. He looked back at me as he opened the refrigerator door. “Would you like to place a bet that there's at least one cap that isn't closed all the way.”

I quickly scanned the shelves on the door and crossed my fingers behind my back. “Sure I'll make that bet.”

Steven reached in and pulled out a bottle of blue cheese salad dressing. “I'm pretty sure you were the one that had this on your salad last night, right?”

I shrugged my shoulder. “Maybe.”

Steven tightened the cap on the half closed bottle. “Why is that so hard?”

“I swear, it wasn't me!” I cried as Alex walked into the kitchen. I pointed at him. “I think he had blue cheese, too!”

“Whooo...” Alex looked confused. “What am I getting blamed for?”

“Someone always forgets to completely close the tops on the condiments.” Steven put the salad dressing back in the refrigerator and closed the door.

“What do you mean someone?” Alex looked over at me. “I thought that was decided a long time ago.” he raised his eyebrows at me. “Mom?”

“Fine.” I sighed. “But do you have to close them so tight that I can't get them open again?” I opened the refrigerator and took the the blue cheese bottle. I tried to get the cap off but couldn't until I reached into a drawer and got out the rubber grip I used to loosen caps. “There's got to be a happy medium.” I sighed again.

Alex looked at both of us raising his eyebrows again. “Are you telling me you two are starting the day arguing about how loose the tops should be?”

I looked at Alex. “Hey, I have a friend who argues with her husband about whether the toilet paper should go over or under when you replace the roll!”

Alex looked confused. “It always goes over.”

Steven smiled over at me. “Exactly!”

NUMBER PLEASE

I had just gotten home from work and met my husband Steven in the driveway. “The weirdest thing just happened today.” I said as I walked over to his truck and gave him a quick kiss.

“Oh yeah?” He was pulling his file boxes out of the truck and closed the door with his elbow. “What was it?”

We were both walking to the front door. “They wanted me to fill out a new emergency form at work and when it came to writing down who I wanted notified first I put your name down.”

“Well, thanks. It's nice to know you'd like me to be called first. But why is that weird?” He put his file boxes down and took the keys out of his pocket to unlock the front door.

“That wasn't the weird part.” He held the door open for me to go though first. “It's when I was supposed to write down your phone number and I had no clue what it was.”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know your phone number either.”

“I know! Nobody knows phone numbers anymore!” I dropped my purse and tote on the chair and tossed the keys in the basket we kept on the counter. “Remember when we knew all our friends phone numbers by heart?”

“Sure, but now we don't have to. I just go to my contacts and hit Kat and I'm talking to you.”

“I know, but what if you lost your phone and wanted to call me?” I grabbed a water bottle out of the cabinet.

“If my phone's lost how am I suppose to call you?” He started to laugh.

I just sighed. “You know what I mean. What if you borrowed someone's phone?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know. I guess I'd figure something out.” He went over to get a water bottle too.

“But that's what I'm talking about. We should know each others phone number. Just in case. Do you know when I looked you up in my contacts...”

Steven interrupted. “Under 'My Hero'.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I remember when you put that in my contacts. The first time you called me and it came up that My Hero was calling I couldn't stop laughing.”

“So you knew right away it was me!” He smiled as he leaned against the counter.

“Yeah, I knew.” I held up my hand. “But reminding me that you're cute isn't going to stop me from saying that we need to memorize each others phone numbers, just in case.”

Steven sighed. “Fine. I'll memorize your phone number.”

I had to smile. “Do you want me to write it on your hand, like we did way back in our dating years?”

Steven looked confused. “You never wrote your phone number on my hand.”

I shrugged my shoulder. “I never wrote my number on anyone's hand. But you see it in movies all the time so I thought I'd throw it out there.”

Steven just shook his head. “Well this will be a fun weekend project I can add to my list.” I couldn't help but hear the sarcasm in his voice.

Alex walked into the kitchen. “What fun weekend project?”

“Your Mom wants us to memorize each others phone numbers.”

Alex looked confused. “You just look in your phone. It's right in your contacts.”

“But what if you lost your phone?” I countered. “How would you call me?”

Alex looked even more confused. “How can I call you if I lost my phone?”

Steven burst out laughing. “I said the same thing!”

“Oh my God!” I couldn't help but shake my head. “You two are killing me here!”