FINDER OF LOST THINGS

“Does anyone know where the good scissors are?” my son Alex called from the kitchen.

“In the drawer on the left of the stove.” I called from the living room.

“I'm in that drawer and it's not here!” he called back.

“Did you really look?” I called.

“I did!” he called back. “They're not here.”

I went into the kitchen and looked into the open drawer Alex was standing in front of. Pushing a few things around I finally had to admit, “Okay you're right. They're not in here.”

“I told you that.” Alex said. “Why didn't you believe me?”

I had to laugh. “Are you kidding? How many times have you guys said you couldn't find something. I tell you over and over again that it's there and to look again. We go back and forth until I can't take it anymore and I have open the drawer, cabinet or refrigerator where I can practically reach in with my eyes closed and hand it to you!”

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “ What can I say? You're better at finding things then we are.” Alex looked back in the drawer. “So where do you think the scissors are?”

“Obviously someone didn't put them back when they were done using them!” I decided to call out to whoever else was in the house. “Come on people! When you use something you have to put it back where they belong!”

Just then Steven came into the kitchen. “What's missing?” he asked.

“The good scissors.” Alex said.

“I haven't seen them.” he said.

By now I'd leaned myself up against the counter, crossed my arms across my chest and looked off in the distance as I tried to mentally scan the house.

Alex looked over at me. “What's she doing?” he asked Steven.

Steven looked at me. “Let's be quiet and let her work.”

It only took me a minute before I said. “Go check in the laundry room they're on the ironing board.”

Steven and Alex looked at one another before Alex headed for the laundry room.

I went back into the living room but could hear him call out. “She's right!They're here!”

Alex went back into the kitchen where Steven was getting some water. “How does she do that?” I overheard Alex ask Steven.

I had to smile as I heard Steven say, “We don't ask questions. We just enjoy the results.”

I usually love the fact that, for some reason, I've always been really good at finding lost things. But in this particular case I really couldn't take much credit for my amazing powers.

It seems that while I was mentally scanning the house I remembered I'd been the last one to use the scissors to wrap a birthday present.  

GOING BATTY

“You're never going to believe what just happened to me.” I said trying to keep the sound of disgust out of my voice as I walked into the kitchen and dropped my keys on the counter top.

“What?” my husband, Steven asked. He was busy making himself a sandwich.

“Remember when I said I wanted to get a bat house for our woods in the backyard?” I grabbed a piece of deli cheese from the package as Steven stuck the knife in the mayonnaise jar and began spreading it on his sandwich.

“Yeah I remember.” he looked at me confused. “You were serious about getting one?”

“I sure was.” I got out of his way as he tried to open the drawer I was standing in front of to get a napkin. “I went into Lowe's and asked if they had any. You had to see the expression of the guys face when I asked! He scrunched up his nose and said “NO!” so quickly you'd have thought I'd just asked for a jar of bedbugs!”

Steven started to laugh as he took his plate with his sandwich and went to sit at the table to eat. “Maybe they don't carry them.”

“But they do!” I cried. “I told him that I saw online that they had them. I swear he almost did a complete body shutter as he went to the computer to look it up!”

“Did he find it on the computer?” Steven asked, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“He never got the chance to look.” I complained. “When he went over to the computer station, another guy was standing there and he asked him if they carried them. That guy looked all disgusted and actually said, “Eewwww, NO!” Then they both just stared at me. I was so embarrassed.”

“So now you're not going to get one?” Steven asked.

“Oh, I'm getting one.” I said, I was determined not to let the disgusted looks from two salesman stop me.

That's when my son Alex walked in. “What are you getting?” he asked.

“A bat house.” Steven answered him.

Alex looked disgusted. “Why?”

“Because they can eat over a thousand mosquito’s in just one night.” I said. “They're nature's bug zapper!”

Alex just stared at me. “Are you serious?” he asked. “You're going to put a bat house in our back yard?”

“Of course I'm serious.” I said. “I think it's a great idea!”

Alex looked at Steven. “She's serious?”

Steven just shrugged his shoulders. “Looks like it.”

Now I was confused. “Don't you think it's a great idea?” I looked at Steven for some back-up on my great idea. When I didn't get any, I pushed ahead myself. “They'll help keep the mosquito population down so we can enjoy sitting on our back deck all summer.”

“So now were going to be the creepy people in the neighborhood with bats living in our yard?” Alex asked.

“It'll be one tiny little house!” I cried. “You won't even know it's there!”

“Oh, I'll know it's there.” Alex assured me as he looked at both of us. “I'll know.”

When he left the room I looked back at Steven. “He's never going to go in the yard again, is he?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders again. “I'm not making any bets on that one.”

BATHING SUIT TRAUMA

My husband, Steven came up to our bedroom door and juggled the doorknob. “What's wrong with the door?” he called.

“It's locked.” I said from the other side of that door.

“I know that!” He juggled it again. “But why?”

“Give me a second!” I called grabbing my robe and unlocking it for him.

Steven walked by me and opened the drapes. “Why is is so dark in here?” he asked.

He didn't give me a chance to answer before he asked his next question.

“Why is it so hot in here?” He opened the window then went to check the thermostat. “Who turned off the air conditioning?”

I still hadn't gotten a chance to answer before he fired off his next question.

“What's going on in here?” He looked a the open packages and boxes scattered around the bed and floor.

I paused for a moment wondering if he had any more questions. When he didn't I said, “I'm trying on bathing suits.” Figuring that should be answer enough, I pulled my robe closer around my neck.

Steven didn't understand. “You bought all these suits?” He picked up some of the packages.

“Don't mix them up!” I cried. Taking the wrappings away from him. “Most of the suits are going back and I have to repackage them exactly the way they came.”

“I don't get it.” he said. “Why don't you just go to the mall and buy a suit like everyone else?”

I tried not to laugh as I made a spot on the bed for me to sit down. “Because I'm trying on bathing suits.” I said. He looked confused, so I explained further.

“Standing in a 3x3 dressing room, with bad lighting, and strangers peeking through the curtains at my pale winter skin encased in Lycra, would have me in tears. “ I said, as I made sure my robe was covering my legs. “This way, I'm in the comfort of my own home when I cry looking at myself in a swimsuit.”

Steven sat next to me. “I don't understand why you get so upset wearing a bathing suit.” he said, putting his arm around my shoulder. I was waiting for his comforting words of how silly I was, because I always looked great to him. But instead he said. “No one has ever actually seen you in your bathing suit.”

“What are you talking about?” I said. “I wear one every summer!”

Steven started to laugh. “I know you wear one, but no one has seen you in it.”

Now I was the one looking confused, so he continued. “Every summer you show up at the swimming pool wearing a cover-up that zips from your feet to your neck. Then you make a big production out of pointing to something on the other side of the pool so that when everyone looks, you can quietly slip out of your cover-up and slide into the water.”

“I had no idea you noticed I did that.” I said as I rested my head on his shoulder.

“Of course I notice.” he said, giving me a hug. “That's the easy part. What's harder is when you have to wait until he last person leaves the pool before you can get out.”

I could feel my tears welling up. He understands me.

NAMASTE

It was late in the morning and I was still in my pajamas. That's not unusual for me on a weekend, especially if I was going to be doing laundry and cleaning the house. But on this particular Saturday I rolled out my exercise mat, went to Goggle and downloaded a free Yoga lesson, and decided it was time to get in better shape.

After twenty minutes of a few Downward-Facing Dogs, a round or two of Cat/Cow, and several Warrior Poses, I finally drew my palms together at the heart and took my last cleansing breath.

I had to admit, I felt better as I rolled my mat up and put it away. I found my husband Steven reading the newspaper while finishing his second cup of coffee. “Guess what I just did?” I asked him.

“I have no idea.”

I could see from the look on his face that he wasn't in the mood to play that game so I jumped right in with my news. “I've decided to start Yoga again!”

“That's nice.” He didn't seem as thrilled as I was. I really couldn't blame him for his lack of enthusiasm. He'd known me a long time and considering the attention span I usually give an exercise routine he was probably not even listening to me.

“No!” I cried. “I'm serious! I really mean it this time.” I began stretching my back as we spoke. “I had to do something.” I explained. “My muscles are always stiff.” As I stood there I tried to bring my knee up to my chest. I could do it, but boy did I feel it in my hip. “I'm embarrassed to say I've also noticed I'm having a harder time getting up off the floor.”

“You can't get up off the floor?” Now he did look concerned.

“Well, I'm not bad enough where I have to crawl over to a piece of furniture and use that to get up.” I said. “But I certainly can't just stand up from a cross-legged position anymore. At least, not in any kind of graceful way.” I admitted.

“So what made you stop the last time you tried Yoga?” he asked.

“Because I was taking a Yoga class.” I did a few head rolls. “You know I hate doing anything new in front of a lot of people. Everyone was better at it than me. I just felt judged.” I did a few shoulders rolls. “Now I've decided to just bring up some YouTube videos for beginners and do it right here!”

“Sounds like a plan.” He went back reading the paper.

“You don't think I'll keep up with it, do you?” I argued. I wanted him to be as excited as I was about my new plan.

“Why are you getting upset with me?” he asked.

“Because you're not excited for me!” I cried.

“Okay. I'm excited for you.” he said.

“That's not excited.” I was getting frustrated.

Steven looked over at me. “Isn't Yoga also about finding the peacefulness within?” he asked.

That stopped me. “Oh. Well. Yeah. I guess.” I brought my hands together at my heart, took a cleansing breath and said. “Namaste.” I looked over at him and gave him a big smile.

Steven shook his head. “Yeah. Right back at you.”

HUMMINGBIRD FIRST

The roast was in the oven and I was just pulling all the ingredients out of the refrigerator for a salad when my husband, Steven came into the kitchen. “Wow, it sure smells good in here.”

“Thanks. Dinner should be ready in about ten minutes.”

“Great! I'm starving!” he said as he went to the sink to wash up. “Hey! Is that a hummingbird?”

he asked as he turned the faucet off and pointed out the window.

“Are you kidding me?” I cried. Leaving the refrigerator door open I dropping the peppers and romaine lettuce on the counter and pushed him away from the window to see for myself.

He was right. There he was the most beautiful spring sight I could ever ask for. The first hummingbird of the season was hovering over my red geranium plant. “Oh my gosh!” I cried. “I'm not ready!”

“What?” Steven looked at me confused.

“The weather has been so strange lately. Cold one day hot the next. I wasn't thinking they'd come so soon.” I turned off the oven, closed the refrigerator door, and went downstairs.

“What are you doing?” Steven called.

“Getting the hummingbird feeder!” I cried as I went to the pantry. Grabbing the feeder and the five pound bag of sugar, I was back upstairs and ready to go. I filled a pot with water and turned the stove on.

“What are you making with the roast?” Steven asked.

“What?” I was distracted as I started taking the feeder apart and began washing it in hot water.

“What's the water for?” He pointed to the pot on the stove.

“It's for the hummingbird.” I said. I turned the feeder upside down on a paper towel to dry while I began measuring the sugar.

“What happened to dinner in ten minutes?” he asked.

“That's before we saw the hummingbird.” I said. By now the water had come to a boil and I began pouring the sugar in. “The poor thing must be starving.”

“I'm kind of hungry too.” Steven said.

I looked over at him leaned up against the counter. I pulled the roast out of the oven and set it on a hot plate. “I'm going to let the meat rest for about ten minutes.” I pointed to the salad ingredients. “You could start making the salad for me.” I was peeking into the pot as I gently stirred the sugar, waiting for it to dissolve. “That would speed things up.”

Steven grabbed a knife and cutting board and began chopping.

Once the sugar was dissolved I poured it into a container and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. I went to the window one more time to see if our little visitor was still on the back deck. He was racing from planter to planter looking for food. “Hang on little guy, dinner is coming.” I called to him.

“I sure hope so.” Steven mumbled as he sliced the pepper. “Did I mention I'm starving.”

TECH SUPPORT

“ALEX!” I screamed. “HELP! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER!”

Alex came into my office, took one look at my gray screen with two white lines going through it and said, “I've never seen that before.”

“What?” I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. “What's wrong with it?”

“What did you do?” he asked.

“Nothing, I swear!” I felt like a little kid denying that I'd just taken two cookies out of the cabinet before dinner. “At least I don't think I did anything.”

Alex leaned over me hitting a bunch of keys. I could see a look of concern on his face.

“I was typing up an article and I went to the kitchen to get something to drink and when I came back it looked like this.” I explained.

Just than the screen went magically back to the words that I'd been typing only minutes before.

“Oh, my gosh! Thank you!” I gave him a big hug. “What did you do?”

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “I just hit the escape key a few times. It's really no big deal.”

“Maybe not for you. But you know how bad I am with computers.”

Alex had to laugh. “Yeah, everyone in the house knows how bad you are with computers.”

“What am I going to do when you decide you want to move out on your own?” I cried.

“You can always ask Dad or Max.” he said.

“I can't ask Max because he likes playing tricks on me when he gets into my computer. Remember the time he changed my screensaver to a Sumo wrestler? Whatever he did froze the whole computer.” I complained. “It took you over an hour to fix it for me.”

Alex laughed again. “You have to admit, it was a pretty funny picture..” he said. “So why don't you just ask Dad?”

“I already do.” I admitted. “Believe it or not I only ask you half the time I have a problem. I was hoping by splitting it up between the two of you nobody would notice just how bad I really am at this thing.”

Alex looked surprised. “You only ask me half the time?”

I nodded my head, feeling a bit ashamed of myself. “So that's why you can never move out.” I stated.

Alex just shook his head. “Have you ever thought about taking a class so you can learn to fix the problems yourself?” he asked.

That made me look up at him in surprise. “Are you trying to tell me I should learn to be a little more self-sufficient?” I cried.

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “Isn't that what you tell us all the time?” he headed back to his bedroom.

I can't even begin to explain how much I hate when my own words come back to haunt me.

SQUIRREL INTERVENTION

Warm weather was here and I was finally enjoying my back deck again. The sun was out and there was a gentle breeze. I was busy admiring the tiny buds on the trees when my son Alex came out to join me. We weren't really saying much to each other just watching the birds at the feeder and feeling the sun on our faces.

It wasn't long before I noticed a plump gray squirrel scamper across the deck. He was only a few feet away from us with an acorn in his mouth.

“I guess he found one of the nuts he buried last fall.” I said. Seconds later he climbed up on my newly planted myrtle container and began digging. “HEY! GET OUT OF THERE!” I cried.

Alex looked over at me. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to stop that squirrel from digging up my whole planter!” I cried. I was now waving my arms at him. “What does it look like I'm doing?”

To my credit the squirrel stopped digging and was now perched on the edge of the container, looking at me with the nut still in his mouth.

“Don't you know it's spring!” I yelled at him. “There's no more burying nuts! Take that back to your nest and eat it!”

“You're talking to a squirrel.” Alex said quietly as he looked at our neighbors yard, checking to see if anyone else was out and could hear me.

“I know I am.” I was still waving my arms. “I was wondering who was digging up my plants. Now that I found him it's time to talk so sense into him.” I stopped waving my arms and sat forward in my chair, trying to make direct eye contact with my nemesis. “It's not winter anymore.” I told him. “You don't have to bury any more nuts. Can't you feel the warm air? Don't you see the buds on the trees? That means it's spring. Burying nuts now is not going to help you next winter.” By now the squirrel had dropped it's nut on the deck and was just staring at me. I looked over at Alex. “I think he's starting to understand.” I said to him.

“Are you serious?” Alex sounded concerned. “It's a squirrel, he can't understand you.”

“He can't or he won't.” I said. We both watched as the squirrel slowly climbed off the planter, picked up the nut and scurried back into the woods. “Good decision.” I called after him.

I looked over at Alex who was just staring at me.

“I think we've come to an understanding.” I said as I once again sat back in my chair and continued to enjoy the sun on my face. “I'm pretty sure he won't be digging in my plants anymore.”

“If you're serious that you think you've explained something to a squirrel you're scaring me.” Alex said.

“Scaring you or making you laugh?” I asked.

“Depends or if you're serious or not.” he asked.

I closed my eyes as I tipped my face toward the sun. “Why don't we just wait and see if he comes back before I answer that.”