ABSENT LANDLORD

Steven and I were sitting on the back deck, quietly enjoying the evening, when I noticed a tiny house finch had landed on our feeder. “Aren't they the cutest little birds?” I asked Steven.

Steven looked over at our feeder. “I guess.” he said as he shrugged his shoulders. “I hadn't really thought about rating birds by their cuteness.”

I looked over at our two bird houses. “I wonder why no one has wanted to move in to our houses this year?” I watched as the little finch finished eating and flew over and landed on the roof of the closest house. “Watch.” I said. “He won't even peek in the door.” A few seconds later he flew away. “See I told you.”

“I wonder what's wrong with them?” Steven got up to check.

I was right behind him. “I loved watching last year's family. You could hear the babies peeping for food all the way up on our porch.”

We reached the first house. “Well, I can see from here this one needs a new roof.”

I started to laugh. “That's a good one.”

Steven pointed to half inch space between the two pieces of wood that made up the roof. “Oh, it does need a new roof!” I cried. “I thought you were kidding!”

Steven examined the roof further. “It's just two screws holding this, I can fix it tomorrow.”

“Great!”

We moved on to the next house. Steven peeked into the hole. “There's a lot of old nesting material inside. Aren't you suppose to empty it out?”

I looked at him confused. “I don't know. I never really thought about it. I guess I just thought they'd use the old stuff and add a few new sticks to make it their own.” I took my phone out of my pocket and began a Google search on taking care of bird house. “Oh, good Lord!” I cried. “We’re slumlords for birds!”

“What?”

“We're suppose to get rid of the old nesting material each season and scrub the house out with a solution of bleach and water!” I looked at Steven, feeling a wave of guilt come over me. “We've had these houses for a few years now and we've never done that.” I admitted.

“You didn't know.” Steven said I could hear the sympathy in his voice. “Give yourself a break. You're not a slumlord, you're more of an absent landlord.”

“Thanks, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.”

Steven went back to the other house to take some measurement for the roof. “I'll fix this roof and you can clean them both out.” he suggested. “We still have some time. You haven't lost the nesting season yet.”

That made me feel a little better. “Maybe you're right. I'll go make up the cleaning solution right now.” I headed for the house.

“I haven't seen the hummingbirds lately.” Steven called to me. “When was the last time your made a new batch of food for them?”

That made me stop. I looked at the feeder hanging from the back deck. “Um-mm, maybe last week?” I said.

“Isn't it supposed to be changed a few times a week?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I hesitated for a moment, looking at his sheepishly, “I kind of forgot.”

Steven just shook his head as I turned and headed back to the house.

I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure I heard him say, “Slumlord.” under his breath.

FINDER OF LOST THINGS

“Does anyone know where the good scissors are?” my son Alex called from the kitchen.

“In the drawer on the left of the stove.” I called from the living room.

“I'm in that drawer and it's not here!” he called back.

“Did you really look?” I called.

“I did!” he called back. “They're not here.”

I went into the kitchen and looked into the open drawer Alex was standing in front of. Pushing a few things around I finally had to admit, “Okay you're right. They're not in here.”

“I told you that.” Alex said. “Why didn't you believe me?”

I had to laugh. “Are you kidding? How many times have you guys said you couldn't find something. I tell you over and over again that it's there and to look again. We go back and forth until I can't take it anymore and I have open the drawer, cabinet or refrigerator where I can practically reach in with my eyes closed and hand it to you!”

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “ What can I say? You're better at finding things then we are.” Alex looked back in the drawer. “So where do you think the scissors are?”

“Obviously someone didn't put them back when they were done using them!” I decided to call out to whoever else was in the house. “Come on people! When you use something you have to put it back where they belong!”

Just then Steven came into the kitchen. “What's missing?” he asked.

“The good scissors.” Alex said.

“I haven't seen them.” he said.

By now I'd leaned myself up against the counter, crossed my arms across my chest and looked off in the distance as I tried to mentally scan the house.

Alex looked over at me. “What's she doing?” he asked Steven.

Steven looked at me. “Let's be quiet and let her work.”

It only took me a minute before I said. “Go check in the laundry room they're on the ironing board.”

Steven and Alex looked at one another before Alex headed for the laundry room.

I went back into the living room but could hear him call out. “She's right!They're here!”

Alex went back into the kitchen where Steven was getting some water. “How does she do that?” I overheard Alex ask Steven.

I had to smile as I heard Steven say, “We don't ask questions. We just enjoy the results.”

I usually love the fact that, for some reason, I've always been really good at finding lost things. But in this particular case I really couldn't take much credit for my amazing powers.

It seems that while I was mentally scanning the house I remembered I'd been the last one to use the scissors to wrap a birthday present.  

GOING BATTY

“You're never going to believe what just happened to me.” I said trying to keep the sound of disgust out of my voice as I walked into the kitchen and dropped my keys on the counter top.

“What?” my husband, Steven asked. He was busy making himself a sandwich.

“Remember when I said I wanted to get a bat house for our woods in the backyard?” I grabbed a piece of deli cheese from the package as Steven stuck the knife in the mayonnaise jar and began spreading it on his sandwich.

“Yeah I remember.” he looked at me confused. “You were serious about getting one?”

“I sure was.” I got out of his way as he tried to open the drawer I was standing in front of to get a napkin. “I went into Lowe's and asked if they had any. You had to see the expression of the guys face when I asked! He scrunched up his nose and said “NO!” so quickly you'd have thought I'd just asked for a jar of bedbugs!”

Steven started to laugh as he took his plate with his sandwich and went to sit at the table to eat. “Maybe they don't carry them.”

“But they do!” I cried. “I told him that I saw online that they had them. I swear he almost did a complete body shutter as he went to the computer to look it up!”

“Did he find it on the computer?” Steven asked, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“He never got the chance to look.” I complained. “When he went over to the computer station, another guy was standing there and he asked him if they carried them. That guy looked all disgusted and actually said, “Eewwww, NO!” Then they both just stared at me. I was so embarrassed.”

“So now you're not going to get one?” Steven asked.

“Oh, I'm getting one.” I said, I was determined not to let the disgusted looks from two salesman stop me.

That's when my son Alex walked in. “What are you getting?” he asked.

“A bat house.” Steven answered him.

Alex looked disgusted. “Why?”

“Because they can eat over a thousand mosquito’s in just one night.” I said. “They're nature's bug zapper!”

Alex just stared at me. “Are you serious?” he asked. “You're going to put a bat house in our back yard?”

“Of course I'm serious.” I said. “I think it's a great idea!”

Alex looked at Steven. “She's serious?”

Steven just shrugged his shoulders. “Looks like it.”

Now I was confused. “Don't you think it's a great idea?” I looked at Steven for some back-up on my great idea. When I didn't get any, I pushed ahead myself. “They'll help keep the mosquito population down so we can enjoy sitting on our back deck all summer.”

“So now were going to be the creepy people in the neighborhood with bats living in our yard?” Alex asked.

“It'll be one tiny little house!” I cried. “You won't even know it's there!”

“Oh, I'll know it's there.” Alex assured me as he looked at both of us. “I'll know.”

When he left the room I looked back at Steven. “He's never going to go in the yard again, is he?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders again. “I'm not making any bets on that one.”

BATHING SUIT TRAUMA

My husband, Steven came up to our bedroom door and juggled the doorknob. “What's wrong with the door?” he called.

“It's locked.” I said from the other side of that door.

“I know that!” He juggled it again. “But why?”

“Give me a second!” I called grabbing my robe and unlocking it for him.

Steven walked by me and opened the drapes. “Why is is so dark in here?” he asked.

He didn't give me a chance to answer before he asked his next question.

“Why is it so hot in here?” He opened the window then went to check the thermostat. “Who turned off the air conditioning?”

I still hadn't gotten a chance to answer before he fired off his next question.

“What's going on in here?” He looked a the open packages and boxes scattered around the bed and floor.

I paused for a moment wondering if he had any more questions. When he didn't I said, “I'm trying on bathing suits.” Figuring that should be answer enough, I pulled my robe closer around my neck.

Steven didn't understand. “You bought all these suits?” He picked up some of the packages.

“Don't mix them up!” I cried. Taking the wrappings away from him. “Most of the suits are going back and I have to repackage them exactly the way they came.”

“I don't get it.” he said. “Why don't you just go to the mall and buy a suit like everyone else?”

I tried not to laugh as I made a spot on the bed for me to sit down. “Because I'm trying on bathing suits.” I said. He looked confused, so I explained further.

“Standing in a 3x3 dressing room, with bad lighting, and strangers peeking through the curtains at my pale winter skin encased in Lycra, would have me in tears. “ I said, as I made sure my robe was covering my legs. “This way, I'm in the comfort of my own home when I cry looking at myself in a swimsuit.”

Steven sat next to me. “I don't understand why you get so upset wearing a bathing suit.” he said, putting his arm around my shoulder. I was waiting for his comforting words of how silly I was, because I always looked great to him. But instead he said. “No one has ever actually seen you in your bathing suit.”

“What are you talking about?” I said. “I wear one every summer!”

Steven started to laugh. “I know you wear one, but no one has seen you in it.”

Now I was the one looking confused, so he continued. “Every summer you show up at the swimming pool wearing a cover-up that zips from your feet to your neck. Then you make a big production out of pointing to something on the other side of the pool so that when everyone looks, you can quietly slip out of your cover-up and slide into the water.”

“I had no idea you noticed I did that.” I said as I rested my head on his shoulder.

“Of course I notice.” he said, giving me a hug. “That's the easy part. What's harder is when you have to wait until he last person leaves the pool before you can get out.”

I could feel my tears welling up. He understands me.