SPIDER SQUASHING SKILLS

Dinner was done, the kitchen was clean and I was just about to sit down on the couch for the first time all day. But before I could even get into the living room I heard my son Alex call, “Mom, can you come here for a minute?”

At first it didn't sound like anything urgent so there was a split second that I thought about pretending I didn't hear him. But, he was persistent. “Mommmmm!” he called again “You've got to see this!”

I headed down the hall to where he was standing. “What?”

“Check it out.” he pointed to something on the wall.

As I got closer I finally saw the giant mosquito he was pointing to. “Wow, that thing is huge!” It had a three inch wing span.

“I know!”

“Let me go get a tissue.” I was about to go into the bathroom when Alex held one out for me. “I'm way ahead of you.” he said.

“Wait,” I took the tissue from him. “You were waiting for me to kill it?”

“You're better at it then I am.” he stood behind me.

“It's a mosquito.” I said as I grabbed the bug off the wall and headed to the bathroom to show him his new home. With a quick flush he was on his way. “I can't believe you had to call me to get rid of him.”

“I didn't have to call you.” he was headed back to his room. “We just all know how much you like bug catching.”

“What? Are you kidding me? Who ever said that?”

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know, it's just always been known.”

Shaking my head I went back to the living room to finally sit down and relax. I actually got a good hour of down time before I heard Steven calling, “Hey, I've got a huge spider for you!”

“Oh come on!” I yelled as I headed to the master bathroom. “Why can't anyone else get rid of the bugs around here!”

Steven was standing in the bathroom door way. “Look at the size of that one.” he was pointing towards the corner by the wastebasket. “It's a big one huh!”

I looked at him. “Why do you sound like you're giving me a present.”

“Because we all know how much you like bug hunting.”

“WHO STARTED THAT RUMOR?” I asked as I grabbed a tissue from the box on the sink and went in for the squish. “I hate bugs!” I moved the wastebasket and the spider spun around to face me.

Just then the lights went out. “WHAT!” I jumped back, picturing the spider using the dark opportunity to lunge for my face.

Steven was laughing as he turned the light back on. “I thought maybe you'd like more of a challenge.”

“Are you insane!” I turned around to see the giant spider headed my way. “Oh man, oh man, oh man.” I chanted as I scooped the spider up in the tissue and sent him to join the mosquito. I shuddered as I flushed the toilet.

“Update for all of you!” I called out to everyone in the house. “I DON'T LIKE BEING THE BUG SQUASHER!”

“You say that now,” Steven walked with me as I headed back to the couch. “But we all know you do.”

TRIPLE THREAT

For the past few weeks my family and I have been watching a Mama deer and her three babies wander around our neighborhood. She'd take them from yard to yard giving them a tour. The fawns would stop for a moment at each yard and nibble on some grass before scampering after their Mama. You couldn't help but smile at such a sweet sight.

So, you can imagine how happy I was the day I spotted the triplets in our back woods bedded down for the day. “You've got to come see this!” I called to my husband Steven and our son Alex.

We went quietly out on our deck making sure not to scare them away. We sat and watched their little heads peeking out at us from behind the trees.

“How sweet are they.” I whispered.

Alex scanned the woods, “I don't see the Mom.” he whispered.

“I'm sure she's close by.” I looked around to see if I could find her myself. “Nope, I don't see her.” I looked over at Steven. “You know, I'm kind of honored that she felt our yard was safe enough to leave them here.”

Just then one of the fawns got up and slowly came to the edge of the woods. He stood looking at us for a moment before leaning over to begin eating the seeds out of my bird feeder.

Steven and Alex quickly looked over at me. Knowing how I hated when the deer emptied my feeder at night, they were waiting to see my reaction.

“That's okay.” I reassured them. “He's just a baby, I can share my feeder this time.”

We watched as he slowly drained the seeds. I have to admit he was starting to loose some of his charm.

Just then another of the triplets came out of the woods and began getting closer to the deck where we were sitting.

“Look, he's not even afraid of us.” I whispered as the fawn slowly came to the side of the deck. We watched as he poked his tiny little nose through the rails, his mouth frantically trying to reach my tomato plant. When he finally got hold of some leaves he quickly pulled the plant back through the rails, chomping ever so happily on my plant.

“HEY!” I called, but he didn't seem to even flinch as he stuck his head back through the rails to go back for more.

Before I could even get up I saw the final triplet had come out of hiding and had pulled a big chunk of my lawn out by the roots. He was staring at us with my lawn hanging out of his mouth.

I'd had enough.

“That's it!” I jumped up waving my arms. “Are you kidding me!” I cried, all three of the fawns stopped what they were doing and looked over at me. “GO! SCAT!” I was clapping my hands and stomping my feet.

I could hear Steven and Alex laughing behind me, but I couldn't stop myself. I kept up my crazy arm waving until the triplets hopped over the fence and went into the next yard.

“That's right!” I called. “Keep it moving!”

Satisfied that they'd moved on I turned back to my guys sitting up on the deck.

“Wow!” Steven said. “You go from zero to sixty in crazy when someone touches your tomato plants!” he was laughing.

“I thought they were going to be sweet little babies.” I climbed back up the stairs and sat back down in my chair. “I had no idea they were a wandering wrecking crew!”

PSYCHIC WONDER

 I was on the phone with my sister Donna, telling her about the psychic reading I'd had at a friend's house party. “There were eight of us and we each got twenty minutes for a reading.” I explained.

“What did you think?”

“She was amazing!” I gushed. “She was telling people about their careers and what was going on with their kids!”

“What did she have to say to you?”

“She told me Dad was standing by me.” I could feel my eyes begin to well up just thinking about it. “That he wouldn't leave until I knew it was him.”

“How did she know it was Dad?” she asked.

“Well, that's the funny part.” I was looking out my front window, watching the dragonflies dart about. “First, she asked if I knew someone with a hurt arm.”

“That's Dad!” Donna cried. Our Dad had lost an arm in a motorcycle accident when he was a young man.

“I know that now, but I wasn't thinking of him.” I admitted.

“How could you not know it was Dad?”

“I don't know, I just didn't.”

“So how did you figure it out?”

“Well, she said that when a client didn't recognize who she's talking about she usually moved on to something else.” I sat down on the couch, grabbed a pillow and tucked it behind my back. “But she said that this particular person wouldn't leave. He was insisting on coming through. So then she said there was a hunting dog next to him, and that he was wearing a blue shirt.”

“Oh, you had to know it was Dad then.” She cried.

“Nope...” I had to laugh. “I still didn't know it was him.”

“Are you kidding? Dad always wore a blue shirt and he had hunting dogs before he met Mom.” Now she was laughing too.

“I'm telling you it just wasn't clicking.” I put my feet up on the coffee table.

“So what finally made you realize she was talking about Dad?”

“This is the best part!” I stopped talking when I heard someone in the kitchen. I looked at my watch to see if someone was looking for dinner but it was only 4:30, so I went back to my conversation. “Well...she was quiet for a second then she finally said, he's yelling Albie!”

Now both my sister and I were laughing. “I swear I can almost see Dad shaking his head, wondering why I'm so thick that he finally just yells his name.” I was laughing so hard I had to wipe a tear from the corner of my eye.

Just then my husband Steven came around the corner and interrupted our conversation, “You went to a psychic?” he asked, a look of concern on his face.

“Hold on a minute.” I said to my sister. Then looked at Steven as he stood there holding a sandwich. “I thought I told you about this.”

Steven shook his head. “I knew you went to the party, but I don't remember you saying anything about a psychic being there.”

“Humm. I guess I forgot to mention that.”

Steven didn't look convinced. “You don't really believe in that stuff do you?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “It was a fun thing to do at a party, Steven.” Then I shook my head and tried to sound dismissive, “No one was there was taking it seriously.”

Steven nodded. “Okay, as long as you know it's not real.” he left to go back to his office.

“Hey, I'm back.” I said to my sister.

“I just heard what you said. No one at the party was taking it seriously?” she asked.

I waited a moment making sure Steven had time to get to his office but I still lowered my voice to a whisper making sure he couldn't overhear me, “Are you kidding me?” I looked over, double checking to make sure he wasn't about to pop his head the corner and overhear me again. “We were all taking it seriously!” I cried. “I'm telling you she was amazing!”

HUMMINGBIRD BULLY

I'd just stepped out on my back porch when I noticed a hummingbird at my feeder. I stood there a moment watching him drink when my husband, Steven came outside.

“Morning.” he said, holding out the newspaper for me.

“Shhh.” I pointed to the feeder, but just as I did, my little hummingbird friend zipped off into the trees. “Aw...” I looked over at Steven. “I can't help it. I just love watching them! They remind me of the Jetson's cartoon when the flying car zips off into the horizon.”

Steven laughed as he sat down to enjoy some time on the deck before heading to work.

“What are you up to today?” he asked.

I didn't get a chance to answer before another hummingbird was hovering over the feeder. We both got quiet trying not to scare him away. He was only there for a moment before a second hummingbird dove down at him and chased him up into the trees. “Aw...it's like they’re playing tag.” I said.

As I pictured them enjoying this game another hummingbird tried to get a sip of nectar at the feeder when that second hummingbird swooped out of the trees and chased him away too. I looked over at Steven. “Now I'm not sure they're playing.”

We kept watching as they dove and spun around our back yard, circling the house. Each time one would try to land on the feeder, the other would chase them away.

“Wow, what a bully.” I said, getting annoyed at the one hogging the feeder. “How do you make a hummingbird play nice?”

“You Google it.” Steven said as he picked up his phone. “I just typed in hummingbird bully and there are a dozen articles on it.”

“Are you kidding me?” He handed me his phone to see. I opened the first link. After a few seconds of reading I had to laugh. “It says it's usually a male.” I looked back at Steven.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he sounded surprised. “I always share my food with you.”

I didn't say anything as I went back to reading. “It says the way you fix the problem is to put a bunch of feeders together in a cluster. This way he'll get so exhausted fighting all the others away that he'll finally give up and let them eat.”

“There you go! Problem solved!” Steven said.

“Problem solved?” I handed him back his phone. “So the only way I can stop this guy from being a jerk is to give him more of what he wants!” Now I was getting annoyed. “Talk about rewarding bad behavior!”

We watched as he chased two more from the feeder.

“You're right.” Steven agreed. “Why should we reward that kind of behavior.”

“Exactly!” I watched as another never got a chance for even a sip before heading for the safety of the trees.

“Of course, if we leave it like this then you'll be responsible for letting the others starve.” he added.

I looked over at Steven ready to protest but he was just shaking his head, a sad look on his face. “But what can I say.” he shrugged his shoulders. “It's your decision.”

“Fine!” I wasn't even trying to hide the disgust in my voice. I pointed to our flying bully. “To answer your question about what I'm up to today. I guess I'm stuck shopping for more feeders!”

ONE IS A LONELY NUMBER

“Did someone eat the half of a bagel I'd saved?” I called as I stood in front of the bread cabinet holding a container a vegetable cream cheese in my hand.

My son Alex came out of his room. “Were you saving that?”

“I was.” I'd been looking forward to having it for breakfast.

“Sorry about that.” he looked in the bread cabinet and pulled out a loaf of bread. “How about this?” he handed me the potato bread.

I held up the cream cheese. “Not the same on potato bread.”

“I'm sorry I didn't know.”

“It's okay, as long as you didn't throw it out.” I looked over at him, trying to read his expression.

“Why would I throw it out?”

“Because last week you threw out the one waffle I'd left in the freezer!” I put the potato bread away and went to the refrigerator to put the cream cheese back.

“Who eats only one waffle?” Alex asked.

“I do!”

“Well, I don't know anyone, but you, that eats just one.” he was shaking his head in disbelief, “Waffles should be eaten in pairs.”

“Says who?” Now I was shopping through the refrigerator to find something else to eat.

“Everyone!”

“I also eat just one pop tart.” I added.

“I know. That drive me nuts, too! You stick the one back in the box in a zip lock bag.” He was leaned up against the counter, watching me forage. “They put a pair of them in a foil pack for a reason.”

“Well, you don't throw the one pop tart out.” I pulled out the eggs and put them on the counter.

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “It bugs me, but I figure you'll be back for the other one in a day or two.”

“So why did you throw the one waffle away?” I'd gotten out a pan, getting ready to scramble an egg.

“That one waffle was in the freezer for almost two weeks.”

I looked over at him, “So? I wasn't in the mood for a waffle.”

“So,” Alex reached in the drawer behind him and pulled out the spatula and handed it to me. “Every time you went grocery shopping you must have looked in the freezer, saw the box, and figured we didn't need any.” he smiled at me. “I figured if I got rid of the box you'd finally buy more waffles so I could have some.”

I cracked the egg against the side of the pan and dropped it in. Alex reached in the carton and pulled out two more eggs. “I only eat one egg.” I smiled at him. “I'm weird that way.”

He was still holding out the eggs. “I know, but I was hoping you'd make me some too.”

I had to laugh as I took the eggs from him. “Can you make the toast?” I asked.

“Sure,” he went back over to get the bread. “One slice?”

LAWS SHMAWS

“Oh come on!” I cried as I was reading the morning paper. “Why do they think everyone in New Jersey is so stupid that they have to make ridiculous laws to protect us!”

My son Alex walked out of his room. “What are you yelling about?”

“This!” I held up the newspaper. “Did you hear that they want to make a law that you can't drink or eat anything while you're driving?”

“Yeah, the Distracted Driving Bill. I heard about it.” Alex didn't seemed fazed.

“So now if I want to take a sip from my bottle of water, I'm distracted!” I was still pretty fired up. Maybe because I never left the house without a bottle of water tucked under my arm.

“How about if I sneeze? What about then? You know you can't sneeze with your eyes open.” I was now pacing back and fourth in the room. “Now my allergies are kicking up and I sneeze, I'm distracted.” I turned to face Alex. “Are they going to ban sneezing next?”

Alex didn't answer. That's when my husband, Steven walked in. “What's going on?”

“Mom's afraid she's not going to be able drink from her water bottle while she's driving.”

I was waving the newspaper at them. “According to this, if they pass this bill they can stop me if they think my head's tipped back to far, finishing the last of my water.” I shook my head in disbelief. “You know, because my eyes will be off the road for a second.”

“They're not going to stop you.” Steven reassured me. “That's just the media exaggerating.”

“They're not exaggerating.” I held up the paper as if it explained it all. “If I have a fender bender and they see an open bottle of water in my console they can say the fender bender happened because I was drinking water while I was driving.”

“If the accident happened because you were drinking then they'd be right, you were distracted.” Steven argued.

“Oh come on! Who's side are you on?” I cried. “You know what's really distracting?”

Steven and Alex looked at each other, afraid to answer.

“I'll tell you what's distracting!” I tucked the paper under my arm and went over to the cabinet to get a bottle of water. “Two kids strapped in car seats behind you arguing about where we're going to eat that night, McDonald’s or Burger King!” I looked over at Alex. “Now that's distracting!”

Alex looked over at his Dad. “Wow, that happened like twenty years ago.”

“And I still remember it like it was yesterday!” I said, opening the bottle of water to take a sip. “I almost hit a curb trying to break up that argument.” I looked at Steven. “So you think maybe the law will include driving with kids in the back seat?”

Steven and Alex just looked at one another.

“Well...” I said.

“I'm sure the bill will get amended before it goes through.” Steven said he took the newspaper from me.

“It better!” I took another sip of water. “They treat us like idiots!”

As they were both leaving the kitchen I could hear Alex whispering, “Wow, you threaten to take her water bottles away when she drives and she goes nuts.”

“You don't even know the half of it.” Steven whispered back.

DRAGONFLY DILEMMA

I was up early, wrapped up in my robe, sipping my cup of tea when I went into the living room to look out the front window to see if the newspaper had arrived. I could see it was waiting for me at the end of the driveway, but then something else caught my eye.

“Hey, Steven! Can you come here for a minute?”

My husband, Steven came in from the kitchen, carrying his cup of coffee. “Did the newspaper come yet?” he asked as he came over to the window where I was standing.

“Yeah,” I pointed out the window. “But look at all the dragonflies flying over our front lawn!”

Steven looked out the front window. “Wow, there must be fifty of them!”

“I know! I've never seen anything like it. Aren't they beautiful.” We watched as they hovered then dipped along our lawn. “What do you suppose they're doing?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “It's been raining so much, maybe something hatched in the lawn.”

I looked at the neighbors yards. “Then why are they only in our yard?”

Steven looked around. “Huh, that's weird.” We both watched as they frantically moved from one end of our yard to the other, but never crossing over to either neighbors'. “Must be something that only hatched in our yard.” he reasoned.

Just then a couple, out for a morning walked, stopped at our sidewalk to watch the dragonflies dashing and swooping along our grass. Steven and I backed away from the window.

“So...” I looked over at Steven. “Can you go get the newspaper for me this morning?”

“Why can't you go?”

“Because I'm still in my robe.”

“That's never stopped you before.”

“Well, I'm barefooted!” I lifted up a foot to prove my point.

“That's never stopped you either.”

“Please...” I whined.

Just then our son Alex came into the living room.

“Oh great!” I said giving him a good morning kiss on the cheek. “You're dressed, can you go out and get the paper for me?”

“Sure.”

I smiled over at Steven.

Alex opened the front door, then quickly closed it again. “Woo! Did you see all the dragonflies out front?”

“Yeah, aren't they amazing!” I answered.

“Amazing is right! There must be a hundred of them!”

“Oh come on, it's not a hundred.” I looked back out the window where our neighbors across the street were now staring over at our house. Alex walked over to look out the window. “I thought you were getting the paper for me?” I asked.

“I'm not going out there.”

“Oh, come on... they don't bite.”

Alex looked over at me and laughed. “That's not the reason I'm not going out.” He at Steven then back at me. “I'm not going for the same reason neither of you are going.” He nodded his head towards the window. “Because there's a crowd of people outside staring at our weird lawn.”

Steven looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders as Alex headed for the kitchen. “He's got a point.”

“But I love reading the paper first thing in the morning.” I whined.

Steven grabbed the television remote from the coffee table and handed it to me. “Looks like you're getting the news from this today.”