HUMMINGBIRD BULLY

I'd just stepped out on my back porch when I noticed a hummingbird at my feeder. I stood there a moment watching him drink when my husband, Steven came outside.

“Morning.” he said, holding out the newspaper for me.

“Shhh.” I pointed to the feeder, but just as I did, my little hummingbird friend zipped off into the trees. “Aw...” I looked over at Steven. “I can't help it. I just love watching them! They remind me of the Jetson's cartoon when the flying car zips off into the horizon.”

Steven laughed as he sat down to enjoy some time on the deck before heading to work.

“What are you up to today?” he asked.

I didn't get a chance to answer before another hummingbird was hovering over the feeder. We both got quiet trying not to scare him away. He was only there for a moment before a second hummingbird dove down at him and chased him up into the trees. “Aw...it's like they’re playing tag.” I said.

As I pictured them enjoying this game another hummingbird tried to get a sip of nectar at the feeder when that second hummingbird swooped out of the trees and chased him away too. I looked over at Steven. “Now I'm not sure they're playing.”

We kept watching as they dove and spun around our back yard, circling the house. Each time one would try to land on the feeder, the other would chase them away.

“Wow, what a bully.” I said, getting annoyed at the one hogging the feeder. “How do you make a hummingbird play nice?”

“You Google it.” Steven said as he picked up his phone. “I just typed in hummingbird bully and there are a dozen articles on it.”

“Are you kidding me?” He handed me his phone to see. I opened the first link. After a few seconds of reading I had to laugh. “It says it's usually a male.” I looked back at Steven.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he sounded surprised. “I always share my food with you.”

I didn't say anything as I went back to reading. “It says the way you fix the problem is to put a bunch of feeders together in a cluster. This way he'll get so exhausted fighting all the others away that he'll finally give up and let them eat.”

“There you go! Problem solved!” Steven said.

“Problem solved?” I handed him back his phone. “So the only way I can stop this guy from being a jerk is to give him more of what he wants!” Now I was getting annoyed. “Talk about rewarding bad behavior!”

We watched as he chased two more from the feeder.

“You're right.” Steven agreed. “Why should we reward that kind of behavior.”

“Exactly!” I watched as another never got a chance for even a sip before heading for the safety of the trees.

“Of course, if we leave it like this then you'll be responsible for letting the others starve.” he added.

I looked over at Steven ready to protest but he was just shaking his head, a sad look on his face. “But what can I say.” he shrugged his shoulders. “It's your decision.”

“Fine!” I wasn't even trying to hide the disgust in my voice. I pointed to our flying bully. “To answer your question about what I'm up to today. I guess I'm stuck shopping for more feeders!”

ONE IS A LONELY NUMBER

“Did someone eat the half of a bagel I'd saved?” I called as I stood in front of the bread cabinet holding a container a vegetable cream cheese in my hand.

My son Alex came out of his room. “Were you saving that?”

“I was.” I'd been looking forward to having it for breakfast.

“Sorry about that.” he looked in the bread cabinet and pulled out a loaf of bread. “How about this?” he handed me the potato bread.

I held up the cream cheese. “Not the same on potato bread.”

“I'm sorry I didn't know.”

“It's okay, as long as you didn't throw it out.” I looked over at him, trying to read his expression.

“Why would I throw it out?”

“Because last week you threw out the one waffle I'd left in the freezer!” I put the potato bread away and went to the refrigerator to put the cream cheese back.

“Who eats only one waffle?” Alex asked.

“I do!”

“Well, I don't know anyone, but you, that eats just one.” he was shaking his head in disbelief, “Waffles should be eaten in pairs.”

“Says who?” Now I was shopping through the refrigerator to find something else to eat.

“Everyone!”

“I also eat just one pop tart.” I added.

“I know. That drive me nuts, too! You stick the one back in the box in a zip lock bag.” He was leaned up against the counter, watching me forage. “They put a pair of them in a foil pack for a reason.”

“Well, you don't throw the one pop tart out.” I pulled out the eggs and put them on the counter.

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “It bugs me, but I figure you'll be back for the other one in a day or two.”

“So why did you throw the one waffle away?” I'd gotten out a pan, getting ready to scramble an egg.

“That one waffle was in the freezer for almost two weeks.”

I looked over at him, “So? I wasn't in the mood for a waffle.”

“So,” Alex reached in the drawer behind him and pulled out the spatula and handed it to me. “Every time you went grocery shopping you must have looked in the freezer, saw the box, and figured we didn't need any.” he smiled at me. “I figured if I got rid of the box you'd finally buy more waffles so I could have some.”

I cracked the egg against the side of the pan and dropped it in. Alex reached in the carton and pulled out two more eggs. “I only eat one egg.” I smiled at him. “I'm weird that way.”

He was still holding out the eggs. “I know, but I was hoping you'd make me some too.”

I had to laugh as I took the eggs from him. “Can you make the toast?” I asked.

“Sure,” he went back over to get the bread. “One slice?”

LAWS SHMAWS

“Oh come on!” I cried as I was reading the morning paper. “Why do they think everyone in New Jersey is so stupid that they have to make ridiculous laws to protect us!”

My son Alex walked out of his room. “What are you yelling about?”

“This!” I held up the newspaper. “Did you hear that they want to make a law that you can't drink or eat anything while you're driving?”

“Yeah, the Distracted Driving Bill. I heard about it.” Alex didn't seemed fazed.

“So now if I want to take a sip from my bottle of water, I'm distracted!” I was still pretty fired up. Maybe because I never left the house without a bottle of water tucked under my arm.

“How about if I sneeze? What about then? You know you can't sneeze with your eyes open.” I was now pacing back and fourth in the room. “Now my allergies are kicking up and I sneeze, I'm distracted.” I turned to face Alex. “Are they going to ban sneezing next?”

Alex didn't answer. That's when my husband, Steven walked in. “What's going on?”

“Mom's afraid she's not going to be able drink from her water bottle while she's driving.”

I was waving the newspaper at them. “According to this, if they pass this bill they can stop me if they think my head's tipped back to far, finishing the last of my water.” I shook my head in disbelief. “You know, because my eyes will be off the road for a second.”

“They're not going to stop you.” Steven reassured me. “That's just the media exaggerating.”

“They're not exaggerating.” I held up the paper as if it explained it all. “If I have a fender bender and they see an open bottle of water in my console they can say the fender bender happened because I was drinking water while I was driving.”

“If the accident happened because you were drinking then they'd be right, you were distracted.” Steven argued.

“Oh come on! Who's side are you on?” I cried. “You know what's really distracting?”

Steven and Alex looked at each other, afraid to answer.

“I'll tell you what's distracting!” I tucked the paper under my arm and went over to the cabinet to get a bottle of water. “Two kids strapped in car seats behind you arguing about where we're going to eat that night, McDonald’s or Burger King!” I looked over at Alex. “Now that's distracting!”

Alex looked over at his Dad. “Wow, that happened like twenty years ago.”

“And I still remember it like it was yesterday!” I said, opening the bottle of water to take a sip. “I almost hit a curb trying to break up that argument.” I looked at Steven. “So you think maybe the law will include driving with kids in the back seat?”

Steven and Alex just looked at one another.

“Well...” I said.

“I'm sure the bill will get amended before it goes through.” Steven said he took the newspaper from me.

“It better!” I took another sip of water. “They treat us like idiots!”

As they were both leaving the kitchen I could hear Alex whispering, “Wow, you threaten to take her water bottles away when she drives and she goes nuts.”

“You don't even know the half of it.” Steven whispered back.

DRAGONFLY DILEMMA

I was up early, wrapped up in my robe, sipping my cup of tea when I went into the living room to look out the front window to see if the newspaper had arrived. I could see it was waiting for me at the end of the driveway, but then something else caught my eye.

“Hey, Steven! Can you come here for a minute?”

My husband, Steven came in from the kitchen, carrying his cup of coffee. “Did the newspaper come yet?” he asked as he came over to the window where I was standing.

“Yeah,” I pointed out the window. “But look at all the dragonflies flying over our front lawn!”

Steven looked out the front window. “Wow, there must be fifty of them!”

“I know! I've never seen anything like it. Aren't they beautiful.” We watched as they hovered then dipped along our lawn. “What do you suppose they're doing?”

Steven shrugged his shoulders. “It's been raining so much, maybe something hatched in the lawn.”

I looked at the neighbors yards. “Then why are they only in our yard?”

Steven looked around. “Huh, that's weird.” We both watched as they frantically moved from one end of our yard to the other, but never crossing over to either neighbors'. “Must be something that only hatched in our yard.” he reasoned.

Just then a couple, out for a morning walked, stopped at our sidewalk to watch the dragonflies dashing and swooping along our grass. Steven and I backed away from the window.

“So...” I looked over at Steven. “Can you go get the newspaper for me this morning?”

“Why can't you go?”

“Because I'm still in my robe.”

“That's never stopped you before.”

“Well, I'm barefooted!” I lifted up a foot to prove my point.

“That's never stopped you either.”

“Please...” I whined.

Just then our son Alex came into the living room.

“Oh great!” I said giving him a good morning kiss on the cheek. “You're dressed, can you go out and get the paper for me?”

“Sure.”

I smiled over at Steven.

Alex opened the front door, then quickly closed it again. “Woo! Did you see all the dragonflies out front?”

“Yeah, aren't they amazing!” I answered.

“Amazing is right! There must be a hundred of them!”

“Oh come on, it's not a hundred.” I looked back out the window where our neighbors across the street were now staring over at our house. Alex walked over to look out the window. “I thought you were getting the paper for me?” I asked.

“I'm not going out there.”

“Oh, come on... they don't bite.”

Alex looked over at me and laughed. “That's not the reason I'm not going out.” He at Steven then back at me. “I'm not going for the same reason neither of you are going.” He nodded his head towards the window. “Because there's a crowd of people outside staring at our weird lawn.”

Steven looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders as Alex headed for the kitchen. “He's got a point.”

“But I love reading the paper first thing in the morning.” I whined.

Steven grabbed the television remote from the coffee table and handed it to me. “Looks like you're getting the news from this today.”