CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

I'd gone to the grocery store and I guess I was running a bit late because Steven met me at the door.

“What happened to you?” he asked.

“I got a little side-tracked by a phone call.” I replied. I handed him a few bags to put on the counter.

“Who called you?” he asked.

“No one.”

Steven looked confused so I went on to explain. “I was in the store when a woman behind me was on her cell phone and she was a cell yeller.”

We'd both had experiences with cell yellers. Those annoying people who don't seem to know how loud they're talking.

“This woman says, 'I usually never do that on a first date, but I couldn't help myself this time.' I looked at Steven and shrugged my shoulders. “What was I supposed to do after she said that?” I asked.

Steven looked at me. “What doesn’t she do on the first date?”

“That's what I mean! There's no way I could walk away from that opening. So I had to follow her for three aisles before I found out it was eating spaghetti.”

“She doesn't eat spaghetti on the first date?”

“Nope, it turns out that she thinks it's too messy. She also can't figure out how much to put on her fork or if she should twirl it with a spoon or shove it against a piece of bread. But for some reason she decided to go for it on this date and gave it a try.”

Steven started to laugh. “But I still don't see how that would make you so late.”

“Are you kidding?” I opened the freezer to put the frozen food away. “By the time she got the whole story out I'd done all of her shopping with her. I was so busy pretending to shop for things I didn't need that I didn't get any real shopping done.

I put the oranges in the fruit bowl. “When I found out she wasn't going to have a very interesting conversation I had to put away all of my pretend shopping and start all over again!”

I began stacking the canned goods in the pantry. “You can see how time consuming that can be.”

“So what you're telling me is that you're late because you were too busy pretend shopping so you could eavesdrop on someone's conversation?”

“I was not eavesdropping!” I was insulted that he would even think that about me.

“So what do you call listening in on someone's personal call?”

“We've had this discussion before. “I reminded him. I was beginning to get annoyed. “It's not a personal call when you're shouting for everyone to hear.”

Steven didn't look convinced.

“Well, I wasn't the only one following her to listen to her conversation.” I reasoned.

“How do you know that?”

“Because when I got bored and started putting back my pretend shopping there were a few other people doing the same thing.”

“But how do you know they were listening to her conversation too?” he asked.

“Because I could hear them muttering about spaghetti and first dates.”

“You could hear them muttering?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “What can I say, Steven? I have excellent hearing.”

SNOW INCHES

Steven, Alex and I were sitting in our living room watching a movie. I got up from the couch and hadn't even taken a step when both of them said in unison. “Are you getting something to eat?”

“We just finished dinner ten minutes ago!” I said as I moved over to the window to look out in our backyard. “I'm checking to see how hard it's snowing out.” I didn't even have to switch on the outside light to see that it was coming down. “I wonder how many inches this one's going to be?” I asked.

Steven put the movie on pause and switched over to the weather channel. “It's still saying over twelve inches by the end of tomorrow night.” he said before changing back to the movie.

I turned around to look at them. Both of them had their feet up on the coffee table, their heads on pillows and comforters wrapped around them. “I wasn't talking about inches of snow.” I complained. “I'm talking about inches around my waist!”

Alex looked over at me. “You promised me you'd make brownies tomorrow.” he said. “Are you trying to back out of that?”

“No.” I sighed.

“You also promised me you'd make French toast for breakfast.” Alex added.

“I know.” I could already feel the extra inches on my hips and I hadn't even started my-stuck-in-the-house-eating.

“You're still making the pot of chili for tomorrow nights dinner, aren't you?” Steven asked. “I was looking forward to that.”

“Listen to us!” I cried. “All we talk about is food!”

“What else is there to do?” Steven asked.

“I don't know, maybe we could all take a walk in the snow?” I suggested. “Build a snowman, maybe take up a winter sport?”

Steven and Alex turned around to stare at me. “It's going to be a blizzard.” Steven said.

“Besides.” Alex added then started to laugh. “You hate the snow!”

“I don't hate it.” I corrected him. “I don't mind looking at it through the window.”

“Even when the kids were little you wouldn't go out in it.” Steven reminded me. “You'd send me out to fight the snow battles and build the snow forts.”

“Yeah, you'd wave to us from the kitchen window!” Alex said.

“I didn't have time to go outside and play.” I argued. “I was too busy in the kitchen baking cookies and getting the hot chocolate ready for when you guys came in!”

“Oh...” Alex said. “That reminds me. Do we have any hot chocolate?”

“I'm sure there's some in the pantry.”

“Can you make us some?” he asked. “We'll stop the movie until you get back.”

Steven had already hit the pause button again.

“I suppose I could make some.” I said as I headed for the kitchen.

“Is there any more coffee cake left?” Alex called to me.

“Yes.” I said.

“I'll have some of that too!” he called back.

“Me too!” Steven said.

As I loaded another try with food I was beginning to wonder if maybe I should just trade my jeans in for a pair of sweat pants...at least until the snow stops.

CLOSET PURGE

I'd been complaining for a very long time that I never seemed to have anything to wear, even though my closet was jammed with clothes. So...it was finally time. I opened the closet and began pulling out the unwanted, unloved, and let's face it unwearable.

The first thing I pulled out was a maxi dress I'd loved. “I'm going to miss you.” I said as I dropped it on the floor making it my first on the give-away pile. No one had worn that style dress for a few years, but I'd been holding on because, well, it had looked good on me and I was hoping against hope that it would come back into fashion. “I'm sure you'll find a good home somewhere else.” I assured it as I turned back to my closet.

The next item I grabbed was a beautiful black blazer. “Why haven't I worn you?” I asked as I held it up to admire the cut. “You're a classic!” I checked the size. “Perfect!” I was excited.

That's when my husband Steven walked in. “What are you up to?” he asked as I held up the blazer for him to see. “This is the reason I decided it was time to clean out the closet! Look what I just found!” I cried as I slipped it off the hanger and put it on. “It's still fits!” I said as I spun around to show him.

“Wow! I haven't seen shoulder pads that big in years!” he said.

I turned to face the mirror to see what he was talking about. I sighed, feeling the disappointment of losing a perfectly good piece of clothing. “I look like I should be playing football.” I said as I tried pushing the shoulder pads down, somehow trying to crush them.

Steven shook his head. “There's no way you're going to make them any smaller.” he said.

I took it off and threw it in the pile.

Now I felt like I was on a roll. Shirts I hadn't worn in years were thrown on the pile, no need to even try them on.

“I heard one way to check that you haven't worn something for a while is to turn the hangers backwards. Then in six months, with just a quick glance, you can tell what you haven't worn.” I began turning the hangers.

“You can't just look at something and tell you haven't worn it?” Steven asked.

“Well, yeah.” I said as I shrugged my shoulders. “But I read about this in a magazine and I thought it was worth a try.”

Steven just laughed and shook his head as he watched me throw a pair of jeans on the pile. “What's wrong with those?” he asked.

“I don't like them.” I said as I turned back to my closet.

Steven picked them up and looked at them. “There's nothing wrong with these.” he said as he held them up. “Aren't you going to try them on?”

“Nope.” I was busy pushing hangers around trying to find more that would go on the giveaway pile.

“Why not?”

I took the jeans out of him hands and dropped them back on the pile. Then I looked deep into his eyes and slowly said. “Because I don't want to try them on.”

Steven looked confused for a moment then seemed to snap out of it. “Oh, sorry. I guess they don't fit anymore, huh?”

We stared at each other for a moment until Steven turned to leave. “Maybe I'll leave you alone while you finish up.” he said as he headed for the bedroom door.

“That would be a real good idea.” I said, as I sadly pulled more things out that were the wrong size.

Steven stopped in the doorway. “Would it make you feel any better if I made you a cup of tea?”

“You know, I think it would.” I had to smile.

STAYING IN THE LINES

 I was visiting with my sister Donna a few months ago when she asked if I wanted to see a program she'd taped.

“Sure.” I said as I made myself comfortable on her couch.

While she was busy selecting the program she handed me a coloring book and a packet of colored pencils.

“I like to color while I watch.” she said. She settled in her comfy chair with her own coloring book resting in her lap. There was a packet of freshly sharpened colored pencils on the arm of the chair. “It's very relaxing.” she insisted.

I wasn't convinced. “I'm not big on coloring.” I said as I opened the book and saw page after page of line designs of flowers. “They're pretty.” I admitted. “But I didn't even like to color when I was a kid.”

“Just try it.” She said as the show came on and she selected her first color and began working on her picture.

I shrugged my shoulders, found a page I liked and began coloring.

I knew a lot of adults loved to color. I just felt like I wasn't going to be one of them. But, I was willing to give it a try. I'd heard about the studies from psychologists who claimed that coloring wis suppose to be the alternative to meditation. It is suppose to unlock your creative potential and relieve tension and anxiety. While I concentrated on not going out of the lines, I wasn't feeling like my anxiety level was lowering. In fact I was feeling annoyed as I slipped out of the lines and grabbed another color to try and fix my first mistake.

Now, I'd also heard coloring was also suppose to unlock memories of your childhood. Well, that one I was in complete agreement with!

I quickly had flashbacks of when I was a kid and had gotten my first paint on velvet kit. I was so excited! I'd set myself up in the kitchen, where I thought the best light was. Then I took out the velvet picture of the puppy and began my creative journey. It didn't take me long to find out that my painting was turning into a disaster! I couldn't seem to stay in the lines so as the picture progressed it slowly transformed from a picture of a cute puppy into more of a Rorschach ink blot test!

So now as I once again was trying to unlock my creative side I found myself wandering outside the lines. “Oh Come On!” I cried as I grabbed another colored pencil and tried to fix another mistake.

“You can't make a mistake in coloring!” Donna tried to remind me.

Easy for her to say, as I looked at her picture where all the colors were blending beautifully together and her shading was perfection!

“Mine looks like a five year old did it.” I complained, colored pencil in hand as I tried desperately to keep my tongue from sticking out of the corner of my mouth as I was fixing yet another mistake. I looked at my half finished picture, knowing it was never going to be refrigerator hanging worthy and decided to give up.

By now I realized I'd missed most of the show. “Can you rewind this?” I asked as I put my coloring book next to me. “I'll finish my picture later.” I said.

“Sure.” she said. I was pretty sure she knew I was lying, I was never going to finish the picture. But she never said a word as she picked up the remote and hit the rewind button.

SLOW STARTER

 It was turning out to be one of those days. I was sitting on the couch, playing games on my phone, when my son Alex came by and sat down next to me.

“What are you playing?” asked me.

“I just downloaded a new game called Blossom Blast.” I said as my finger dragged across the screen, matching flowers.

“How do you play?” he asked.

“I'm not really sure yet.” I said but I'd just connected eight roses and now flowers were blooming and exploding all over the screen. “But I seem to be really good at it because in a minute a little bee will come out and tell me I'm doing a great job!”

Alex just laughed. “Don't you have any real games on your phone?”

“This is a real game!” I said.

“I mean ones that don't have cartoon flowers or bees.” he asked.

“I play other games.” I laughed as I closed my flower game and held up my phone for him to see all the other apps on my phone. “See. Plenty of other games.”

Alex looked at the screen. “Candy Crush, Bejeweled and Solitaire are they only games I see.”

“I have more.” I flicked my finger across the screen showing more of my apps.

Alex pointed to one. “What's 7 minutes?”

“Oh, that's not a game that an exercise app I downloaded.” I opened it up to show him the list of exercises. “You can do all these in just seven minutes!”

“Did you download this as your New Years Resolution? He asked.

I started to laugh. “I downloaded that months ago!” I said.

“So how do you like it?”

“I haven't really tried it yet.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I can't seem to find the time.” I admitted.

Now it was time for Alex to laugh. “It only takes 7 minutes! You can't find seven minutes?” he asked.

“Well, that's where you're wrong.” I took back my phone and showed him the different sections. “They have a tutorial on how they want you to do each exercise.” I explained. “That's twenty minutes right there.” I pointed to the seventh step, triceps dips on a chair. “ I have to get a kitchen chair for this one.” I looked back on my phone. “And this one needs a low table I can step up on.” I closed the app and looked back at Alex. “I have to get all those things together and change into my workout clothes before I can even think about starting. That's more than seven minutes!” I complained.

“So why don't you get rid of the app?” he asked.

“Because I'm going to do it some day.” I argued. “Everyone says it's a great program!”

That's when the toaster dinged. “Yeah! My Pop Tart's ready!” I cried. I laid my phone down next to Alex as I got up from the couch. “I made two, do you want one?” I asked him.

He laughed as he picked up my phone. “Sure you can eat yours while you watch the exercise tutorials.” he said.