MONARCH MUNCHIES

My son Alex and I were out on our back porch enjoying a beautiful warm fall day. “I feel like I want to spend every minute outside when it's like this.” I said as I felt the warm sun on my face. “I am NOT a big fan of winter.” I sighed.

“Really?” Alex started to laugh. “I'm pretty sure we all know that by the way you've been walking around the house moaning, 'Winter's Coming' like you're a cast member on the Games of Thrones.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Hey, I can handle some cold weather.” I argued. “I almost like a little winter for the holidays. But once it's New Year's day I'm done with the cold.”

Just then a monarch butterfly fluttered a few inches in front of us, landing on one of my geranium plants.

“Isn't he beautiful!” I whispered. We watched as he climbed all over the plant looking for something to eat. “I'm just sorry he's not going to find much to eat on that plant.” I sighed. My geraniums had been beautiful all summer long but they were beginning to look a little sad, with very few blooms left. “Poor thing has such a long trip ahead of him that I feel kind bad that I don't have anything for him to eat.”

Alex and I watched him for a few more moments.

“You know he's the fifth one I've seen today.”

I heard Alex laugh and when I looked over I could see him shaking his head. “Are you going to tell me that a long lost relative is visiting us again?”

“There's that.” I looked over at the butterfly as it took off from the plant and fluttered into our neighbors yard. “But what I was really thinking about was planting a little patch of milkweed for them to eat.” I got up from my chair and walked down the steps to look around the yard. “Nobody wants to plant it anymore.” I called back to him.

“Maybe because it has the word 'weed' in it's name.” Alex reasoned as he came over to where I was standing.

“No. It's probably because it's poisonous to pets.” I shrugged my shoulders. “That and if you get any of the sap in your eyes or on your skin it can give you a really nasty burn.”

Alex looked confused. “So you want to plant a poisonous weed in our yard?”

“Sure.” I was still scouting the back yard for a perfect spot. “That's what makes it so perfect for the monarch. They eat it and build up the toxins and then no one wants to eat them!” I looked over at Alex and smiled. “How smart is that!”

Alex wasn't convinced. “But it's poisonous.”

“Well, I'm pretty sure you're not going to eat it or rub it on your face, so I think you're safe.”

“But wouldn't feeding them be cheating?” he asked.

“Cheating?” Now it was my turn to be confused.

“Well, if you start feeding them then when you see one in the yard it won't be a relative stopping by to say hi anymore it'll just be a hungry butterfly.”

I thought about it for a moment. “I can get around that one.”

“How?”

“Doesn't matter if they're alive or a spirit. I'd offer food to anyone who comes to my house.” I looked over at Alex and smiled. “It's the polite thing to do.”

SLEEPING SPIDER

It was first thing in the morning and I was running late but no matter how late it was, I needed to make our bed.

“So what's your day look like?” I asked my husband Steven as I pulled the sheets back into place.

“I'm running around all day in meetings.” he said as he grabbed a pair of socks and his shoes and sat down on the bench at the end of the bed.

“You home for dinner?” I pulled up the blanket and folded the sheet over it.

“I should be.”

I reached over and picked up a piece of black lint from the blanket before pulling up the comforter.

“Great!” I looked closer at the black piece of lint that was now in the palm of my hand. “Oh good Lord!” I began shuttering and hopping from one foot to the other. “Noooooo....” I cried as I dashed into the bathroom to flush it down the toilet.

“What's wrong?” Steven jumped up following me into the bathroom.

“Dead spider! Dead spider!” I held down the toilet handle and shuttered again as I watched it spin in the water before finally disappearing from sight. I couldn't seem to stop shuttering. “It was in our bed. More importantly it was on MY side of the bed!”

“But you said it was dead.” Steven walked back to the bench to put on his other shoe.

“I found it dead.” I reminded him as I followed him back into the bedroom. “It was alive during the night when it was walking over me.” I felt another shudder come over me. “I wonder if it bit me before it died.”

Steven looked over at me. “Did you notice a bite when you were taking a shower this morning.”

“No.” I admitted. “But I didn't know I was suppose to be looking for a bite.” I began feeling itchy all over. “Now I feel like I have bites all over me.”

Steven just shook his head. “It's your imagination.”

I went over to the bed and began pulling the sheets off.

“What are you doing?” Steven asked as I walked around him and began tugging on his side of the bed. “Didn't you just put those on the day before yesterday?”

“Are you kidding me!” I cried as I piled the blankets on the floor next to the bundled up sheets. “Everything has to get washed now or I'll never get to sleep tonight!” I got on my hands and knees and looked under the bed. “What if it's made a nest under here.”

“I think you're going a little overboard.” Steven tried to reason with me. “You know spiders come into the house in the fall. You're going to find a few of them over the next few weeks.”

“Around the house is fine.” I argued. “That's one of the reasons they invented tissues. It's an even fight. Sometimes the tissue wins and sometimes they get away.” Another involuntary shudder came over me. “But this one was in my bed.” I looked over at him. “While I was sleeping.” I cried. “It wasn't a fair fight.”

“What are you talking about?” Steven countered. “You rolled over on him and killed him. He never saw that coming.”

I'd been pulling my pillowcase off my pillow when that statement stopped me for a moment. “Well that's true.” I had to agree.

But then I thought about the dead spider resting in the palm of my hand only moments ago and I had to shake my head. “Nope! Spider in the bed, dead or alive means everything's got to get washed.” I added the pillowcase to the growing pile of laundry.

“Hey, fine by me.” Steven shrugged his shoulders. “I love Clean Sheet Night.”

THEN THERE WERE THREE

I was standing on our back deck, looking at our woods line when Steven came out. “What are you looking at?” he asked.

“The three morning doves eating under our feeder.” I said sadly.

“What's wrong with them, they look cute.”

“Yesterday morning there were two couples under the feeder.” I pointed to the pile of feathers in the center of our yard. “Yesterday afternoon I heard all the crows and blue jays screaming and I came out and saw the Cooper Hawk sitting right in the middle of our lawn.” I looked over at Steven. “I thought I scared him away before he got anybody.” I sighed. “But I guess I didn't.”

“Hey, it's nature.” Steven said with a shrug.

“I know. But now she's all alone and the other two are completely ignoring her!” I complained. We watched as the couple kept chasing the single bird away from them. “They're being so mean.” I cried. “She's just trying to have someone to eat with!”

Steven looked confused. “How can you tell it was the male that got caught?”

“I can't really.” I admitted as I shrugged my shoulders. “I just assumed he was being chivalrous and was protecting her from the Cooper Hawk and paid dearly for being a gentleman.”

Steven looked over at me, a surprised look on his face. “Really?” he laughed. “You figured all of that?”

“Hey, they mate for life.” I reasoned. “No woman, human or bird is going to stick around with a guy who's going to run and hide and leave her to face danger alone!”

Steven snorted a laugh. “So she's just this helpless female that needs protecting?”

“Of course not!” I countered. “She was right by his side fighting too!”

“Wait a minute...” Steven held up hand for me to pause. “Didn't you tell me you just saw the Hawk sitting on the lawn with all the other birds yelling at him?”

I was confused. “Yeah.”

“So where did this epic battle happen?”

“I don't know.” I sat down on the stairs. “I was just saying.”

Steven sat down next to me and pointed to the feeder. “Don't you think what really happened was they were both eating and the Hawk swooped in and then one of them was gone?”

“Of course it could have happened that way, but the way I tell it is much more romantic, don't you think?”

Steven looked at me for a moment. “Is this your subtle way of asking me to tell you that if a giant raptor was coming after us I'd protect you?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Well...it didn't start out the way.” I looked back at the single mourning dove and sighed. “But as a metaphor it's actually nice to hear.”

Steven shook his head and laughed as he stood up and brushed off the back of his pants. “I'm going in to get a garbage bag and clean up the feathers.”

“Thanks.” I stood up next to him, giving him a quick kiss. “Can you bring the sunflower seeds with you? Maybe if I give them all an extra treat they'll play nicely together.”  

RAINING ACORNS

My son Alex and I were out for a walk after dinner, the sun was just beginning to set and the sky was turning an amazing shade of pink.

“You know pretty soon were going to have to take our walks before dinner.” I sighed as I pulled the zipper of my sweatshirt up closer to my chin. “I hate when it gets dark so early.”

We both watched as a squirrel darted in front of us with an acorn in his mouth. He was headed to the flower bed of a neighbor's where another squirrel was busy digging. “Did I tell you I caught another squirrel burying it's acorns in my geranium pot?”

Alex shook his head. “No, you didn't.”

“Yeah, I feel kind of sorry for him.”

“Why?”

“Because I'm going to be throwing the pots out once the first frost kills them.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I hope he's got a back up plan and that's not his only place he's hiding his food.”

We both stepped over a huge pile of acorns someone had raked from their yard and placed at the curb. “It's unbelievable how many oak trees are in this neighborhood.” I looked over at Alex. “Did you know each tree can drop as many as ten thousands acorns?”

Alex shook his head again. “Nope, I didn't know that.”

We were now walking in front of a house that hadn't raked their acorns yet. The sidewalk was covered. “It's like walking on marbles.” I said as I slid my foot as if I were wearing ice skates so I wouldn't slip and twist my ankle. “Walking uphill also gives it an added sense of adventure!” I lied as I really was worried I'd slip and fall.

“Remember last spring when the house across the street had a forest of baby oak trees in their front yard?” Alex asked. He seemed to be having an easier time walking then I was.

“How could I forget! I swear I think there were over a hundred trees.” I had to laugh. “There's an example of a few squirrels forgetting where they buried dinner.”

We'd almost reached the top of the hill and could see the acorns were thinning out. “Phew, made it!” I announced as I stepped over the last acorn. “That's another reason why I'm on team chipmunk and not squirrel.”

Alex laughed. “You just think chipmunks are cuter than squirrels.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “That's true but they're also smarter.” I argued. “Chipmunks store their nuts right in their burrow so, in the middle of a snowstorm, they can just reach over and get a snack.” I pointed to the frantic squirrels scampering around. “Squirrels on the other hand are running all over the neighborhood on a snowy day trying to figure out where they buried their next meal.” I shook my head. “They just don't work as smart as chipmunks.”

“They seem to be doing alright.” Alex laughed.

We were getting ready to cross the street when a breeze came up causing dozens of acorns to fall from the tree directly in front of us. We listened to them clatter as they bounced off the sidewalk, some of them bouncing at least a foot back into the air before finally settling on the ground.

I looked over at Alex. “Have you ever had an acorn bounce off the top of your head?”

Alex shook his head no.

“It's only happened to me once.” I gave the top of my head a sympathy rub remembering the time. “But I can tell you it really hurts.”

“I bet.” We both looked up at the tree to see if any more were coming. Alex adjusted his baseball cap. “I'm glad I'm wearing a hat.” He looked over at my hat-less head.

“Good idea!” I quickly pulled the hood of my sweatshirt up and tied it tight. “ Who knew it would be so dangerous walking out here tonight!”